To all brothers (out or not)

Posted: December 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

This post is dedicated to all my brothers who have found themselves and to the ones still struggling. Many of you have reached out to talk to me. Or you have given me the look like I need to tell you something. I know brother. Don’t worry. This is your out post.

No I’m not outing anyone. I am going back and telling my beginning story. I hope you can see yourself in some of this “coming out” letter. Cheesy as it sounds “it gets better”. And I am no more brave in my life than you. I was just given a chance to transition at this time.

Here’s what I remember of being different:

It started early in life. The feeling of different. And by early I mean some of my first memories were confusing. I was that adorable kid that mom wanted to dress up in dresses and long hair with bows. I abhorred it. I wanted to be dressed like my counterparts. Pants. Ties didn’t seem so bad. Little girls played dress up with mom’s high heels and pearls. Not me. I stole my dad’s tennis shoes and tried really hard to tie a tie.

My friends were guys and I played basketball and kickball during recess. When I did have girls in my class, I ignored them. They annoyed me. At age seven, I didn’t grasp the concept of girls don’t go shirtless. I mean we looked the same. I distinctly remember yelling at a friend “it would be easier if I was a boy” at age eleven or so. 11-13 was traumatic. I was a denial guy. I wasn’t getting boobs, I was fat was my logic. The dream really came crashing down when blood started to come out of me. Wtf?

High school was just trying to fit in. Paying attention to my peers closer than the normal person to try and emulate their actions. I found some solace in playing basketball and being in band. Basketball let me tough.

For me my sexuality was the next thing to be tried. This hat was the closest I tried on. I was in the right group of people. I was no longer different (or so I thought). Fitting this piece of the puzzle made life easier for me for a while. But after a few years, it did seem like it wasn’t the whole story for me. I still felt alone in the lesbian community. Things just started to pop up. Your normal daily things seem overly masculine to others. I even had a masculine nickname cause I did act so much like a dude. I had seen butch lesbians, and thought that’s not it either.

Then there was that one defining moment. I was at my nephew’s graduation and my three year old niece walked up to me and asked if I was a boy or a girl. Punched in the gut by such a benign question. It should been easy to say “I’m a girl who likes to wear different clothing”. But it wasn’t the truth. I’m a terrible liar and could feel the walls safety fall down. And for the first time I felt naked.

I could not go back. Believe me I tried. Dresses, and growing out my hair, but it was all wrong. I cut my hair off and went back to my jeans and t shirts. I knew for me I had to transition. Not being myself was not an option.

Right after my dad passed away, I started hormones. My family is mostly supportive. They don’t get it, but they are glad I found myself. Also I was single at the time. I can not stress how important that is. This transition is a very selfish time in your life. It’s all about you. You go back to that childhood state. You just have to do it in a much shorter time. Therapy helps. I did it. I’m grateful I did. Then getting on hormones, you start your second puberty. Within the second year of hormones, you finally start feeling more normal. The selfishness fades and this new person sits in place for you. The voice you hear finally matches the voice inside your head. That monologue sounds right now. Looking in the mirror, your face shape changed to what you have always seen. It matches. If you have surgery, you see the chest you have always wanted since you were eleven.

Do not despair if you feel you can’t transition or it’s not happening fast enough. You are just as brave as I am. You are also my brother no matter what state of your transition you are in. Your journey may be a little different, but we are all the same. Trapped in the wrong body.

Try hard to be yourself no matter.

Support for brothers in Monroe/West Monroe:

Use YouTube, the community there is amazing. You grow with those guys
I know I did. Facebook has some great groups as well.

Dr. Donna Donald 318-410-1910
206 Bell Lane West Monroe
Does hormones

Billy Ledford 318-381-4771
602 Glenmar Ave Monroe
Great therapist and works with
Gender issues

Dr. Peter Raphael 972-543-2477
Plano, TX
Had top surgery with him. I did
not have drains. Great results.

Top surgery and stuff

Posted: July 2, 2013 in FTM
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I took a step today. A big one for me. I called and got an appointment to do a consult for top surgery. I’m planning on doing the surgery with Dr. Peter Raphael in Dallas. I have had two friends have their surgery with him and had fantastic results. Dallas is a lot closer than Florida.

This week I will be turning 28. Crazy to think I’m in my late twenties. Does this feeling of when do I become an adult go away? Seriously still feel lost as ever.

A couple of weekends ago I attended pride in New Orleans. I had a blast. Went down with a couple of brothers like me and felt at home. I always feel at home anywhere but home. It was a great experience. I got a trans button while I was down there. I wore it proudly. Gotta represent the t of LGBT. I had a couple of people say how awesome and courageous it is. While I can’t understand it, I thanked them. Means a lot to a least be recognized as something awesome and not a quack.

I work nights and this is hard to do when I have nothing to do at nights. When I was in school, I had homework. Now I have free time to think. This is dangerous for my mental health. Makes me feel like I’m not getting anything done and I’m wasting up some space. I know this is a down in my bipolar cycle. So I am keeping my chin up.

Hopefully chest surgery will be in a month or so. And fair warning I won’t wear a shirt anymore. Gotta make up for 28 years of being told girls don’t do that.

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FAQ

Posted: June 3, 2013 in FTM

So I have gotten a lot of questions that I realized I need to just have answered on here. These are probably the most common. I have shared these before over the entirety of the blog. This will just put them in on place.

1. How far are you in your transition?

For me personally, I am reaching the end of my transition. I have been on testosterone for 33 months. I had my hysterectomy almost two years ago. I am currently saving and about to set up a consult to do my chest surgery. Almost half is saved to date. Hoping to do this surgery this summer.

2. Does not having a penis make you feel incomplete?

Nope. I don’t really notice that as a problem. I mean if surgeries got better for this I would love to have one. I do not want bottom surgery with the options out currently. The options suck and the risk of losing sensation is high. I would rather do with out a penis than to lose feeling.

3. Sexual orientation?

Bisexual. I like men and women. I was not always that way. When I started testosterone, I noticed I liked men as well as women physically. I still do not understand my sexuality and it is something I still struggle with. Right now I just try to see if the other person just fits me mentally. The rest is up in the air.

4. My presentation/clothes I wear?

I wear men’s clothing. I do not wear a chest binder. It makes my chest hurt too much. I have tried different models and sizes. Nothing makes it to where I can wear it more than one day at a time. I also do not pack. I don’t think anyone notices I don’t have a bulge in my pants. They get in my way. And I constantly feel like I look like I have a hard on. So I don’t do it.

5. My real name?

Is Seth. If you look through here you can find my other name. But I will not tell you. When you know this information, you stop seeing me as Seth. And that’s not what I want. If you meet another trans person, don’t ask them their real name. It’s rude. And legally my name is Seth. So yeah.

6. What has testosterone done for you?

I think testosterone is the most amazing drug ever. My life has changed so much. A lot for the better. I got the deeper voice, facial hair, body hair, etc. One thing I was not expecting: my fibromyalgia symptoms to calm down. Leveling out hormones actually made my fibro become something that doesn’t bring my life down everyday. I don’t hurt every day. I flare less often. My sex drive is through the roof. It was to be expected. No amount of someone tell you it’s going to happen will prepare you.

7. Did you get more aggressive on testosterone?

Nope. It calmed me down a lot. Being yourself really makes you relax.

8. Is transitioning brave?

A lot of people tell me I’m really brave for transitioning. While I appreciate this, I don’t feel brave. I did this for me. No one else. No family or friends could change mind. I do this blog as a payback for a blog I found when I first came out. I believe you get back what you put into the world. I try to put good things into the world. This blog is one of them. I can’t imagine not being out and transitioning. It’s not brave. It was what I had to do to live. And for the first time in my life, I’m living!

Last little thing is a few pieces of advice: always be yourself. No one can tell you who you are. Listen to your heart. Realize that when you transition, it is the most selfish time of your life. You have to go back in your life to figure yourself out. Others may be supportive, but sometimes you need to back away and figure things out for yourself. Lastly, be patient with yourself and others. While all your life you have seen yourself as different and now can put a finger onto why, friends and family don’t have this insight. It will take them a while to get everything settled in their head.

Hope this helps!

Girl brain… Where did it go?

Posted: March 29, 2013 in Uncategorized
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I had a realization the other day that my girl brain had disappeared. I was listening to a friend talk about something. She was talking about ex’s. I realized as I sat there listening that I used to do many of those things with the people I had dated/broke up with. But then I realized I could never do any of that again, because I just don’t think like that anymore.

My emotions are so much more in check now. I act more like Spock than a girl. I look at things with logic now. Instead if how it is going to make me feel. I don’t make irrational decisions. This is new for me. This might be why I have been single the entire time I have been on T.

When it comes to another person and relationship, I don’t do the cat and mouse games any more. I just own it (I’m the easiest person to read, most know it if I don’t say it). The game bores me, and I would rather just blurt the honesty and see what happens. Maybe I’m very impatient, which is quite possible.

My sexuality frustrates me. And I walk around with this chip on my shoulder that no one will pick me because I am trans. I am either not man enough, or way too much of a man. Shit, I’m just me. Gender be damned. Seriously, people want to say they don’t love the gender, they love the person. I call bullshit. I think I’m stuck in small town hell, where gay is still a bad word and heaven forbid someone know what transgender means.

I am blazing a trail in my town. I am usually the only trans person someone has met. There is no community here. The gay community here is a clique. One of my friends calls the lesbians here the “twat circle”. Someone is always someone’s ex and heaven forbid you try and date their ex! Then the circles mix and you get into circles you shouldn’t be in and before you know it your six degrees of separation in this town is now down to one.

So I am frustrated. I tell myself stop trying. Then I think this one person will understand. They ask all the right questions, then back out faster than a sports car. There I am standing there vulnerable as hell having opened myself up and nothing to show for it. Just a lot of pain by showing them my scars I have. Each time I open up to a person and they chicken out, just solidifies my fears about people in general. They just got curious and use me to find out about it.

I’m overall in just a weird mood lately. I just need to spend some time working on me and forget the nonsense.

The man, the myth

Posted: February 5, 2013 in FTM
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Being so far into transition, I realized a few things the other day. I have the option for the first time in my life to become stealth. And I don’t know what to think about that. I am comfortable enough in my life to feel like I’m not lying anymore about being who I am. But it’s something I really feel like I can’t do. I feel like I’m sweeping a part of myself under the rug.

Honestly I feel like half of me is under the rug. I have always been a full fledge member of the queer community. Since I have transitioned, I don’t have the big blinking sign that says gay! I have been gay for ten years now. And being considered hetero by my peers seems like the worst thing imaginable. (Although in the south this is probably a good thing) It floors me to have people see me in the gay bar and go I didn’t know you were gay. Really?

I’m backwards to society I know. Instead of no homo, I need a sign that says no hetero. For me being labeled hetero has been the worst thing in the world. Bitch I’m fabulous! Sorry I don’t sneeze glitter and my wrists are not limp. I may not be gay or lesbian or bi, but dammit I am trans and love my queer community no matter the bickering and drama that ensues. They are my family. And I will stick up for my family.

I am living my life the best I know how currently. And it is quite an amazing ride right now. I’m back in school for nursing. I’m working my butt off and playing on the weekend. Besides being a myth of a creature (the best of both sexes) this man is a legend!

No Testosterone left…

Posted: December 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

So I know you are not supposed to let your testosterone run out. Except I did. And it is a week before Christmas and I can’t get a new prescription. I was supposed to go today to see my doctor. Only my doctor is still located in Nashville. 500 miles away and nine hours in a car. 

This weekend, I forgot I had signed up for overtime work. It was easy, but it kept me from driving there. So here I sit, sweating like no other. So any suggestions to help? Besides missing a lot of work to drive to see a doctor? 

 

Rise above

Posted: October 31, 2012 in FTM

Tranny! The word that is the most offensive. More than being called a dyke, cunt, faggot or queer. Tranny. To me it’s equal to calling someone a nigger. Yeah that bad. It’s demeaning. I know I’m different, but I am trying my damnedest to fit into societal and gender norms that are black and white, when my norms are completely grey.

I am not a cross dresser. This isn’t something I can take off and just go back to being a girl (Christ I would hate that). It’s not a costume and it’s definitely not for show. I inject hormones (testosterone) into my body that cause permanent changes in my body to make my gender. All my life I have felt make and my body as being female was God’s cruel joke. I thought you were supposed to get a manual or handbook about this body. I was that lost. I was awkward. Most of my friends can attest to this. Now that I am seen as male I am so much more complete. The little things make me happy. Like sitting in the barbershop and being told the key to a successful marriage is the “women is always right”. (Sexist I know, but look where I’m living)

Since I came out as transgender, my sexuality is like a ride of the year 1968! Up-down and very revolutionary. But I can’t find a happy place in any of it. Asexual is looking better and better everyday. Am I just fed up with people? Most people will get on my nerves. The people I love truly are my best friends, and it’s not on a level of anything besides friendship. I feel lost in all of it. Somethings are great (sex! With men), other not (no relationships) and the safety of being alone. Where do I go from here cause nothing seems right?

I have always believed myself to be a Phoenix. I try to rise out of the ashes of my life. I feel line this time as I arise out of the ashes, I am truly a beautiful, colorful Phoenix. I always thought myself as a grey, dull bird. I’m not dull at all. Just had to catch on fire for the 100th time. I keep rising.