This post is dedicated to all my brothers who have found themselves and to the ones still struggling. Many of you have reached out to talk to me. Or you have given me the look like I need to tell you something. I know brother. Don’t worry. This is your out post.
No I’m not outing anyone. I am going back and telling my beginning story. I hope you can see yourself in some of this “coming out” letter. Cheesy as it sounds “it gets better”. And I am no more brave in my life than you. I was just given a chance to transition at this time.
Here’s what I remember of being different:
It started early in life. The feeling of different. And by early I mean some of my first memories were confusing. I was that adorable kid that mom wanted to dress up in dresses and long hair with bows. I abhorred it. I wanted to be dressed like my counterparts. Pants. Ties didn’t seem so bad. Little girls played dress up with mom’s high heels and pearls. Not me. I stole my dad’s tennis shoes and tried really hard to tie a tie.
My friends were guys and I played basketball and kickball during recess. When I did have girls in my class, I ignored them. They annoyed me. At age seven, I didn’t grasp the concept of girls don’t go shirtless. I mean we looked the same. I distinctly remember yelling at a friend “it would be easier if I was a boy” at age eleven or so. 11-13 was traumatic. I was a denial guy. I wasn’t getting boobs, I was fat was my logic. The dream really came crashing down when blood started to come out of me. Wtf?
High school was just trying to fit in. Paying attention to my peers closer than the normal person to try and emulate their actions. I found some solace in playing basketball and being in band. Basketball let me tough.
For me my sexuality was the next thing to be tried. This hat was the closest I tried on. I was in the right group of people. I was no longer different (or so I thought). Fitting this piece of the puzzle made life easier for me for a while. But after a few years, it did seem like it wasn’t the whole story for me. I still felt alone in the lesbian community. Things just started to pop up. Your normal daily things seem overly masculine to others. I even had a masculine nickname cause I did act so much like a dude. I had seen butch lesbians, and thought that’s not it either.
Then there was that one defining moment. I was at my nephew’s graduation and my three year old niece walked up to me and asked if I was a boy or a girl. Punched in the gut by such a benign question. It should been easy to say “I’m a girl who likes to wear different clothing”. But it wasn’t the truth. I’m a terrible liar and could feel the walls safety fall down. And for the first time I felt naked.
I could not go back. Believe me I tried. Dresses, and growing out my hair, but it was all wrong. I cut my hair off and went back to my jeans and t shirts. I knew for me I had to transition. Not being myself was not an option.
Right after my dad passed away, I started hormones. My family is mostly supportive. They don’t get it, but they are glad I found myself. Also I was single at the time. I can not stress how important that is. This transition is a very selfish time in your life. It’s all about you. You go back to that childhood state. You just have to do it in a much shorter time. Therapy helps. I did it. I’m grateful I did. Then getting on hormones, you start your second puberty. Within the second year of hormones, you finally start feeling more normal. The selfishness fades and this new person sits in place for you. The voice you hear finally matches the voice inside your head. That monologue sounds right now. Looking in the mirror, your face shape changed to what you have always seen. It matches. If you have surgery, you see the chest you have always wanted since you were eleven.
Do not despair if you feel you can’t transition or it’s not happening fast enough. You are just as brave as I am. You are also my brother no matter what state of your transition you are in. Your journey may be a little different, but we are all the same. Trapped in the wrong body.
Try hard to be yourself no matter.
Support for brothers in Monroe/West Monroe:
Use YouTube, the community there is amazing. You grow with those guys
I know I did. Facebook has some great groups as well.
Dr. Donna Donald 318-410-1910
206 Bell Lane West Monroe
Billy Ledford 318-381-4771
602 Glenmar Ave Monroe
Great therapist and works with
Dr. Peter Raphael 972-543-2477
Had top surgery with him. I did
not have drains. Great results.