No I’m not talking about the Black Eyed Peas song. As a transman, dating and finding a significant other is more difficult. Maybe it’s the way I act to the situation. I do feel not worthy of the thing called “love”.
I recently came to the realization that I like men. I wanted to date gay men hoping this would make me feel better about who I am. Gay men like men right? But I’m not a cismale? I’m a transman. Some gay* (not all) men are fickle. Oh and fuck being fat and gay. (It doesn’t work here) There is no real bear community here. Learning the lesson of hard knocks with this one. Also it seems they* are less relationship oriented (granted coming from the other extreme it is a nice reprieve). I know a lot of this is small town. Most of the guys here have never heard of trans. I say Chaz? Nothing.
My job has made life absolutely isolating. I don’t get to hang out with friends and I do feel a huge disconnect from them. I don’t know if it’s I don’t have time or is it the “chip on my shoulder” I’ve been carrying around. Honestly I’m having a very difficult time finding myself for the forest I have set myself in. Damn trees all up in my way.
So no love life, friends becoming distant. I only have my eyes set to one thing: chest surgery. Granted which is why I work crappy hours. So I guess I’m being selfish of my own love. Chest is my final medical step in transition. If I could work 100 hours a week I would. I want to not feel so self conscious of my chest. Every time I lose weight it becomes obvious (or at least to me) I don’t bind my chest. It hurts for me. T has made them bitches sag (gravity is a cruel bitch) and makes me extremely dysphoric.
So I guess I have come to the realization that love for me is missing. I don’t know where to find it. I think I’m doing it to myself. I just need to turn around and find it.
When it comes to life and love, why do we believe our worst reviews?
Carrie Bradshaw
I’m here for you boo. I miss you and I think you’re being extremely courageous. You’re not being selfish to work so hard to become the man you know you are.
Thanks. I miss you too.
You will find your bear, maybe not tomorrow or nearby, but he is out there. Keep your chin up handsome.
Hi Seth!
Keep your chin up, I have been experiencing the same attraction to men, therefore I know how your feeling. Always remember you are worthy of love you just first must find someome that will love you for you.
Aiden aiden.shrader@yahoo.com
ps- Are you still living in LA? (I ask because I live in a small town in TX)
Yep in Louisiana.
Cool, I live about 45 min from Shreveport, La in Carthage, Tx. I find it very difficult to find anyone who can really relate with me there. It’s tough transitioning in a small town!
I know where Carthage is. We should meet in Shreveport one day. I was very lucky to start my transition in Nashville. I made some great friends there. But small towns do suck. No one knows what it is like.
That would be awesome! Would really like to meet some folks to hang out with. You are lucky to start transition somewhere other than a small town because I have to agree that they suck! Feel free to email me at aiden.shrader@yahoo.com. Hope to hear from ya.
Hey Seth, you are amazing. I just watched your video and it made me tear up. You are courageous, clear, and really an inspiration to any human being. I feel your pain on feeling alone and disillusioned about finding love. Sometimes, I am so fucking lonely that I feel like it manifests itself physically. I wonder if I will ever meet my person. This we may share, but we differ in that I am a female hetero living in NY. Just wanted to offer my support. Keep on keepin’ on.
Thanks for the support. I am here to tell you pain does manifest itself physically. I have been there. Things are slowly starting to look up for me. I know they will look up for you. Jealous of you being in NY. I’d love to go up there.
Dear Seth,
No you dont know me but I stumbled upon this blog doing research for myself. I truly thing I’m a man is a womans body. and since you are part of the PRIDE pack I thought I would tell you how cool you are. And to post about it to! I have only read a couple posts but I will try to catch up.
By the by Love is a funny thing its not about gender so dont let the haters get you down.
Best wishes
Scar the red wolf
ottawa canada
Scar,
Thanks. The pride I show is just not hiding who I am. I believe the hate I have faced has been from fear of the unknown. If you give people a face to the unknown, it’s a whole lot less scary. I am Seth. I don’t know how to be anything else.
Seth,
Tis true people often fear the unknown. Then you also have the others to wrapped up in their own little lives they dont care to know.
How did you come to use the name Seth?, Did you have thoughts of another name?
Dont get me wrong I love the name.
-Scar
Seth was a nickname I got several years ago. My friend called me Seth because it sounded like my birth name. She said I acted like a boy so I needed a boy name. So when I figured out I was trans, the name was the easiest thing for me. I was already using it. I never had to think about another name. I am very lucky.
That really cool. I will have to think long and hard about my name if I do decide to change. My sister is all for me changing to a guy because I have always acted like one well a gentleman.
Thank you for letting me ask you all these questions.
-Scar