Archive for the ‘FTM’ Category

Top surgery and stuff

Posted: July 2, 2013 in FTM
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I took a step today. A big one for me. I called and got an appointment to do a consult for top surgery. I’m planning on doing the surgery with Dr. Peter Raphael in Dallas. I have had two friends have their surgery with him and had fantastic results. Dallas is a lot closer than Florida.

This week I will be turning 28. Crazy to think I’m in my late twenties. Does this feeling of when do I become an adult go away? Seriously still feel lost as ever.

A couple of weekends ago I attended pride in New Orleans. I had a blast. Went down with a couple of brothers like me and felt at home. I always feel at home anywhere but home. It was a great experience. I got a trans button while I was down there. I wore it proudly. Gotta represent the t of LGBT. I had a couple of people say how awesome and courageous it is. While I can’t understand it, I thanked them. Means a lot to a least be recognized as something awesome and not a quack.

I work nights and this is hard to do when I have nothing to do at nights. When I was in school, I had homework. Now I have free time to think. This is dangerous for my mental health. Makes me feel like I’m not getting anything done and I’m wasting up some space. I know this is a down in my bipolar cycle. So I am keeping my chin up.

Hopefully chest surgery will be in a month or so. And fair warning I won’t wear a shirt anymore. Gotta make up for 28 years of being told girls don’t do that.

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FAQ

Posted: June 3, 2013 in FTM

So I have gotten a lot of questions that I realized I need to just have answered on here. These are probably the most common. I have shared these before over the entirety of the blog. This will just put them in on place.

1. How far are you in your transition?

For me personally, I am reaching the end of my transition. I have been on testosterone for 33 months. I had my hysterectomy almost two years ago. I am currently saving and about to set up a consult to do my chest surgery. Almost half is saved to date. Hoping to do this surgery this summer.

2. Does not having a penis make you feel incomplete?

Nope. I don’t really notice that as a problem. I mean if surgeries got better for this I would love to have one. I do not want bottom surgery with the options out currently. The options suck and the risk of losing sensation is high. I would rather do with out a penis than to lose feeling.

3. Sexual orientation?

Bisexual. I like men and women. I was not always that way. When I started testosterone, I noticed I liked men as well as women physically. I still do not understand my sexuality and it is something I still struggle with. Right now I just try to see if the other person just fits me mentally. The rest is up in the air.

4. My presentation/clothes I wear?

I wear men’s clothing. I do not wear a chest binder. It makes my chest hurt too much. I have tried different models and sizes. Nothing makes it to where I can wear it more than one day at a time. I also do not pack. I don’t think anyone notices I don’t have a bulge in my pants. They get in my way. And I constantly feel like I look like I have a hard on. So I don’t do it.

5. My real name?

Is Seth. If you look through here you can find my other name. But I will not tell you. When you know this information, you stop seeing me as Seth. And that’s not what I want. If you meet another trans person, don’t ask them their real name. It’s rude. And legally my name is Seth. So yeah.

6. What has testosterone done for you?

I think testosterone is the most amazing drug ever. My life has changed so much. A lot for the better. I got the deeper voice, facial hair, body hair, etc. One thing I was not expecting: my fibromyalgia symptoms to calm down. Leveling out hormones actually made my fibro become something that doesn’t bring my life down everyday. I don’t hurt every day. I flare less often. My sex drive is through the roof. It was to be expected. No amount of someone tell you it’s going to happen will prepare you.

7. Did you get more aggressive on testosterone?

Nope. It calmed me down a lot. Being yourself really makes you relax.

8. Is transitioning brave?

A lot of people tell me I’m really brave for transitioning. While I appreciate this, I don’t feel brave. I did this for me. No one else. No family or friends could change mind. I do this blog as a payback for a blog I found when I first came out. I believe you get back what you put into the world. I try to put good things into the world. This blog is one of them. I can’t imagine not being out and transitioning. It’s not brave. It was what I had to do to live. And for the first time in my life, I’m living!

Last little thing is a few pieces of advice: always be yourself. No one can tell you who you are. Listen to your heart. Realize that when you transition, it is the most selfish time of your life. You have to go back in your life to figure yourself out. Others may be supportive, but sometimes you need to back away and figure things out for yourself. Lastly, be patient with yourself and others. While all your life you have seen yourself as different and now can put a finger onto why, friends and family don’t have this insight. It will take them a while to get everything settled in their head.

Hope this helps!

The man, the myth

Posted: February 5, 2013 in FTM
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Being so far into transition, I realized a few things the other day. I have the option for the first time in my life to become stealth. And I don’t know what to think about that. I am comfortable enough in my life to feel like I’m not lying anymore about being who I am. But it’s something I really feel like I can’t do. I feel like I’m sweeping a part of myself under the rug.

Honestly I feel like half of me is under the rug. I have always been a full fledge member of the queer community. Since I have transitioned, I don’t have the big blinking sign that says gay! I have been gay for ten years now. And being considered hetero by my peers seems like the worst thing imaginable. (Although in the south this is probably a good thing) It floors me to have people see me in the gay bar and go I didn’t know you were gay. Really?

I’m backwards to society I know. Instead of no homo, I need a sign that says no hetero. For me being labeled hetero has been the worst thing in the world. Bitch I’m fabulous! Sorry I don’t sneeze glitter and my wrists are not limp. I may not be gay or lesbian or bi, but dammit I am trans and love my queer community no matter the bickering and drama that ensues. They are my family. And I will stick up for my family.

I am living my life the best I know how currently. And it is quite an amazing ride right now. I’m back in school for nursing. I’m working my butt off and playing on the weekend. Besides being a myth of a creature (the best of both sexes) this man is a legend!

Rise above

Posted: October 31, 2012 in FTM

Tranny! The word that is the most offensive. More than being called a dyke, cunt, faggot or queer. Tranny. To me it’s equal to calling someone a nigger. Yeah that bad. It’s demeaning. I know I’m different, but I am trying my damnedest to fit into societal and gender norms that are black and white, when my norms are completely grey.

I am not a cross dresser. This isn’t something I can take off and just go back to being a girl (Christ I would hate that). It’s not a costume and it’s definitely not for show. I inject hormones (testosterone) into my body that cause permanent changes in my body to make my gender. All my life I have felt make and my body as being female was God’s cruel joke. I thought you were supposed to get a manual or handbook about this body. I was that lost. I was awkward. Most of my friends can attest to this. Now that I am seen as male I am so much more complete. The little things make me happy. Like sitting in the barbershop and being told the key to a successful marriage is the “women is always right”. (Sexist I know, but look where I’m living)

Since I came out as transgender, my sexuality is like a ride of the year 1968! Up-down and very revolutionary. But I can’t find a happy place in any of it. Asexual is looking better and better everyday. Am I just fed up with people? Most people will get on my nerves. The people I love truly are my best friends, and it’s not on a level of anything besides friendship. I feel lost in all of it. Somethings are great (sex! With men), other not (no relationships) and the safety of being alone. Where do I go from here cause nothing seems right?

I have always believed myself to be a Phoenix. I try to rise out of the ashes of my life. I feel line this time as I arise out of the ashes, I am truly a beautiful, colorful Phoenix. I always thought myself as a grey, dull bird. I’m not dull at all. Just had to catch on fire for the 100th time. I keep rising.

Two years and still learning

Posted: October 20, 2012 in FTM

So I realized I needed to add somethings on here. A couple of ideas have been floating in my head for a while. I passed my two year mark on t! I also officially got my name changed on my documents. Still have a few little things. But now I can get carded and not feel like a weirdo. It’s probably one of the best things. For me it really put the nail in the coffin for my “transition”.

That’s what I wanted to write about mostly. Transitioning. Or for me just living. I don’t feel like I’m changing anymore. I’m just Seth. Like its how it always should of been. But I am still learning. I am realizing that is life. Learning. Changing and evolving. So I morphed into a man.

Being a man in the South has some expectations that are unspoken. I realized not being brought up that way I’m still learning the unspoken. Opening doors for women is a must! Don’t you dare open the door and walk ahead of her. Normal man thing (not just a southern thing) is the handshake. Yes there is a right and wrong way to shake someone’s hand.

Since moving back to Monroe, I’m not financially independent. So I live at home. But it sounds so much better here, if you came home to take care of your momma. Cause that’s what sons are supposed to do. She says move 50 lb feed bags for the horses and pick up bales of hay. You don’t dare let a lady do hard work. Doesn’t matter you are about to have a heat stroke. Be a gentleman. I find it funny when I meet someone who doesn’t like or accept the traditional treatment or common courtesy of these acts. My old roommate was one of them. Cracks me up. Living in Nashville you do get the royal treatment as a lady. She was constantly telling me to stop and I’d get the dirty looks from people later for not doing those things.

One thing I never thought I’d say is I’m becoming more and more country. I now have a truck. My idea of a great time is riding in my truck listening to “I’ve got friends in low places” at 11 and heading out to the lake or to see my horses. Give me a beer over a cocktail. My boots are always with me. And spend my time on the weekend watching some SEC football or my Saints. Yes sir.

So I may have lost my mind but I’m getting there. I still get a little crazy when I realize how little money I make. One good crazy freak out and I’m good. I’m happy. Shhh don’t tell anyone. One day at a time. It’s been a great motto.

23 months!!

Posted: August 7, 2012 in FTM

Wow hard to believe I’m a month away from two years. Crazy. I have noticed my face has changed a lot more over the last four to five months. Maybe it’s me finally feeling truly comfortable in my own skin. That does make your face light up in a different way.

So I would do a video but I never can remember when I’m at home. So eight hours of nothing to do at work gives me the time to type it out on my little phone.

So I have mentioned this on here that I am truly codependent. Well I am actually working a 12 step program on this. I have faced I am powerless over others and I believe God can restore me to sanity. This will be a life long battle for me. I did not realize how much the book described me (Codependent No More by Melody Beattie). It has help me come to terms with a lot of things I have been dealing with my whole life. I want to change things around for me. I am working on meditation every day, reading the 12 steps, and saying the Serenity Prayer. My life has always been this big ball of tension. I’m slowly plucking this ball away. They are like piano strings and can really hurt. But I am also learning to feel all emotions.

I am taking the steps to open my life up to reality and doing the “live and let God” part. My false sense of control has been my downfall and I’m working to turn that around. For the first time I’m breathing in and feeling peace. That feeling of peace is what gave me the strength to keep pushing on these steps of life. I need the structure of steps and there they are waiting for me.

I will close with the first step: “I admit I am powerless over others- that my life has become unmanageable.”

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My life is so different than I ever could have imagined right now. 26 about to 27 in July. I’m no where near where I wanted my life to be. Or so I thought. I had a life plan. Get married to the girl of my dreams, have my first kid, and be a productive citizen being something. I have changed. Somethings are still the same. I want to get married (God knows who, what, when, where, and how), have children. But I’m am no where near the stage of life I want to be at. I feel like I should be 21 or 22. Fresh out of college with no idea with what to do with my life. Always a late bloomer.

Transition has made me so happy, but I feel like I have sent my life backwards. I am lost. Friends changing, unhappy about different things but still unhappy, and working a no end job in a no end town. I knew I shouldn’t be in Monroe, but here I am. In a racist, homophobic, transphobic, blip of a town. I know the ugly looks I get are cause I am different. I expect to criticized and ostracized for being myself. Knowing it’s coming doesn’t take the sting away.

Funny I feel most like a man when I’m not at home. When I am out in public, I feel like Seth. But only when I am alone do I feel this way. I don’t around friends. I feel like a fake. Like a lie that can’t ever be true. Where no one knows who I am, I feel alive and free of a burden that I keep in me.

I have learned that I am a gay man. In it the coming out not once, twice, but three times is enough to give anyone a headache and cause confusion. But to be in the gay man’s world (or the little one that is around here) I really feel out of place. I know I’m gay but the people here definitely make me feel subpar at best.

So I am learning how to become myself and be ok with that. Slowly and very painfully. In opening up about myself, I have uncovered scars I forgot I had. To see them they still look very pink to me even though I know they have faded (even for the other parties involved). They remind me of times I’m not proud of and wish I could forget and sweep under the rug. But these scars have made me into the man I am today.

I also learned my tastes have changed. My music tastes have changed, what I like to do for fun and my standards for what I think makes a great friend. But I feel like something is missing. Probably my happiness. I’m working on that. In that process I have torched some bridges. Probably for the better, but I don’t like to do those things.

Ok so for some physical changes from T that I have noticed: More facial hair. It’s starting to fill in nicely. I might have more than a creeper stache, but I haven’t let it grow out too much to know. Finally after 19 months my sex drive has plateaued to a point I feel like I have a handle on it. I don’t feel so sex craze all the time. Just some of the time. So this is not having to do with T but I’m getting really profound grey streak in my hair. Dammit.