So I’m grabbing onto this bull called life by the horns. Testosterone has given me the strength (physically) for the first time to be able to work out. What’s stopping me? Me. I only work 33-40 hours a week. I have a lot of free time. I spend too much time to thinking about what I want instead of just trying to do it. Well now I have the desire to change.

I know being physically healthier will help me medically and mentally. Being bipolar sucks, but I am letting it. I can do more to make it take less of a toll on my emotions. I looked over and was reading the serenity prayer I have on my dresser. The four words that are bold are: God, Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom. I have been missing some courage. Time to stop being the Lion from the Wizard of Oz.

Some big changes are about to happen. And this time I’m excited about them. If you miss me, text me, comment. drop a line, whatever you need. I honestly don’t know how I’m missing out on. Sometimes I need a good reminder. Thanks for your continued support. You make this an easier life for me.

Sincerely,

Seth

It’s not going well for me. Having to save money is not something I’m good at or have ever done well at. So saving eight thousand dollars is not something that is going to be easy for me. It irritates me. I want things to change for me. I need a better job and get my name change. Three hundred dollars there. Trying to pay back college loans. Yeah I know it makes it better when you pay for it. This is a motto in my life. I won’t ask for money. Never. But dammit I wish it could come easier. 

This is more of a bitch post. I just had to get it off my chest. Ha!

I recently came to the realization that I like men. I wanted to date gay men hoping this would make me feel better about who I am. Gay men like men right? But I’m not a cismale? I’m a transman. Some gay* (not all) men are fickle. Oh and fuck being fat and gay. (It doesn’t work here) There is no real bear community here. Learning the lesson of hard knocks with this one. Also it seems they* are less relationship oriented (granted coming from the other extreme it is a nice reprieve). I know a lot of this is small town. Most of the guys here have never heard of trans. I say Chaz? Nothing.

My job has made life absolutely isolating. I don’t get to hang out with friends and I do feel a huge disconnect from them. I don’t know if it’s I don’t have time or is it the “chip on my shoulder” I’ve been carrying around. Honestly I’m having a very difficult time finding myself for the forest I have set myself in. Damn trees all up in my way.

So no love life, friends becoming distant. I only have my eyes set to one thing: chest surgery. Granted which is why I work crappy hours. So I guess I’m being selfish of my own love. Chest is my final medical step in transition. If I could work 100 hours a week I would. I want to not feel so self conscious of my chest. Every time I lose weight it becomes obvious (or at least to me) I don’t bind my chest. It hurts for me. T has made them bitches sag (gravity is a cruel bitch) and makes me extremely dysphoric.

So I guess I have come to the realization that love for me is missing. I don’t know where to find it. I think I’m doing it to myself. I just need to turn around and find it.

When it comes to life and love, why do we believe our worst reviews?

Carrie Bradshaw

First I have to get a doctor. I am slacking on calling a doctor I got referred to in Dallas. I am so tired of calling doctor’s offices to find out they don’t see trans patients even though many sites have their name or they aren’t seeing new patients. It all seems like so much of a hassle because the doctors here don’t want to prescribe something I have been on for thirteen months and now have no way of making any hormones, so quitting isn’t an option. Never has been. But where am I going to find a doctor?

Then I have to change my name. No really. No one believes me anymore. I notice it more because of all the medical stuff I have been doing with surgery and shots. And at work there right on my badge is that awful name. I have never liked it. Ever. Not just from it’s the wrong gender for me stand point. I didn’t like in high school. I need to seek an attorney to change it in the state of  Louisiana. It is more than just running paperwork. Pain in the ass bull.

So as far as the 13 months on T, the normal changes happening. Hair showing up more and more. You can finally see the hair on my legs. It is still faint but it’s getting there. Facial hair is coming in, but I don’t get to grow it out. Work requires it to be shaved. You are allowed a mustache. Guess what facial hair I can’t grow? It is getting there though. I have recently lost some weight. It has been from losing my appetite. I haven’t been eating much. Just don’t want to. 15 pounds down. If I lose anymore, my work uniform will be huge. I will be losing weight with this job. You have to walk. And I like it. Bonus. Crazy how the time is flying.

The good news is I’m supposed to get released from work tomorrow. Yay! I can finally work on paying off some bills. Especially surgery bills. The hysterectomy has been the best thing I have done recently. But it is expensive even with insurance and my mom paying some of it. I’m looking down about 900 dollars left to pay it off. Not having money is only adding to the stress.

So those of you that do read this I hope you can realize I am bisexual. I like men and women. My recent thing was with a guy. But this doesn’t give anyone the right to ask absurd questions. Use some discretion. Please! I am human. It really hurt to see people confused by my choice of a significant other. If you don’t learn anything else learn this: Gender is fluid; Gender and Sexuality are two different things. One does not make the other work. If someone is trans, it doesn’t mean they are going to act heterosexual. They are changing their gender to feel comfortable in their own body, not to match some sociological norm of sexuality. I’m male and I like both sexes. There you go.

PS I am fine. Just if you want to know something that personal, text me, or message me privately. Please.

Well except for my back. My sciatica is acting up. My left hip hurts and the pain runs down my left leg and foot. The lateral side of my leg feels like it’s asleep. I went to the doctor and they want to do an MRI Friday. I will see if I can afford it. Money is tight and it’s an expensive scan for them to tell me I might need back surgery (I won’t have it ever, unless it’s life or death). So it’s holding me up from completely healing well.

Friday marks one year on T! Yes I’m excited as hell. Thinking about throwing a mini party for the occasion. I am actually working on my video currently. It’s crazy to see the changes in a seven minute video. I’m going through my house to find my baby pictures to put in there. I’m having fun doing.

My personal life has jumped up. I’m really happy with the situation. I may share later what this means and not be so cryptic.

I may do a blog later about this. I recently watched a video and talked to a guy on youtube about sexuality and transitioning. My sexuality has been called into question as I have mentioned before. But I have found someone with a similar story. I have watched many videos and read many blogs only to see that though many of my brothers of transition are very different than me. We all feel very different about our transition and there are infinite ways to transition. I found it awesome to connect to another brother about this topic. I know there are more, but they are hard to find.

Last thing: Chaz Bono on “Dancing with the Stars”! Hellz yes. Thomas Beauty recently complained because he was also in the running for this spot. I personally think Chaz is a better fit since he is a child star with star parents. His PR is a little better. His interviews about this slanderous crap on the internet have been amazing. He shows his beliefs in himself and his lifestyle without getting excited and making it worse. I am very proud that he is out that showing a very positive face for my community. I will be voting for Chaz on Dancing with the Stars. I think I might go as him for halloween!

So I had a job interview Saturday. I usually don’t disclose my trans status since I am in a right to work state. Or as I like to call it “right to fire state”. Anyways this company is know for having a completely accepting policy and is all for equal rights. So it worked in my favor to tell at least the person who interviewed me who I am.

So everything is going pretty well. Hope it stays this way.