13 months

I thought I could just come home and be me. Not be my former self. I remember now why it was so easy to leave here three years ago to go to Tennessee for college. My friends and family seemed like enough. I could survive on their love and support. Or so I thought. I am beginning to realize I can’t stay here. I never intended on staying here. Monroe. But I know my bags will have to be packed much sooner than I had planned. Before I can get done the things I want to get done. Like chest surgery. No that gets to wait.

First I have to get a doctor. I am slacking on calling a doctor I got referred to in Dallas. I am so tired of calling doctor’s offices to find out they don’t see trans patients even though many sites have their name or they aren’t seeing new patients. It all seems like so much of a hassle because the doctors here don’t want to prescribe something I have been on for thirteen months and now have no way of making any hormones, so quitting isn’t an option. Never has been. But where am I going to find a doctor?

Then I have to change my name. No really. No one believes me anymore. I notice it more because of all the medical stuff I have been doing with surgery and shots. And at work there right on my badge is that awful name. I have never liked it. Ever. Not just from it’s the wrong gender for me stand point. I didn’t like in high school. I need to seek an attorney to change it in the state of  Louisiana. It is more than just running paperwork. Pain in the ass bull.

So as far as the 13 months on T, the normal changes happening. Hair showing up more and more. You can finally see the hair on my legs. It is still faint but it’s getting there. Facial hair is coming in, but I don’t get to grow it out. Work requires it to be shaved. You are allowed a mustache. Guess what facial hair I can’t grow? It is getting there though. I have recently lost some weight. It has been from losing my appetite. I haven’t been eating much. Just don’t want to. 15 pounds down. If I lose anymore, my work uniform will be huge. I will be losing weight with this job. You have to walk. And I like it. Bonus. Crazy how the time is flying.

Pushing beyond pain…

Recently my health has taken a turn for the worse. I am currently battling a slipped disc in my back. I am getting steroids put in my back by epidural shots. I am sedated when they shot me up. Steroids are a curse and a blessing. I can finally feel my foot after two months of not feeling it. But steroids make me crazy. I’m coming down from pain killers (which also make me crazy) and just recently ended a little fling with a significant other. So I am basically crazy.

The good news is I’m supposed to get released from work tomorrow. Yay! I can finally work on paying off some bills. Especially surgery bills. The hysterectomy has been the best thing I have done recently. But it is expensive even with insurance and my mom paying some of it. I’m looking down about 900 dollars left to pay it off. Not having money is only adding to the stress.

So those of you that do read this I hope you can realize I am bisexual. I like men and women. My recent thing was with a guy. But this doesn’t give anyone the right to ask absurd questions. Use some discretion. Please! I am human. It really hurt to see people confused by my choice of a significant other. If you don’t learn anything else learn this: Gender is fluid; Gender and Sexuality are two different things. One does not make the other work. If someone is trans, it doesn’t mean they are going to act heterosexual. They are changing their gender to feel comfortable in their own body, not to match some sociological norm of sexuality. I’m male and I like both sexes. There you go.

PS I am fine. Just if you want to know something that personal, text me, or message me privately. Please.

I’m Post OP! And healing well! and some random ramblings

It’s almost two weeks since surgery. I am doing great with that part of my body. I got back the pathology report. The doctor was like yep that thing needed to come out. I had endometriosis and adenomyosis. So that puppy needed to come out and man it explains the pain I was having. I still feel a little sore from time to time but nothing crazy. I’m feeling really good.

Well except for my back. My sciatica is acting up. My left hip hurts and the pain runs down my left leg and foot. The lateral side of my leg feels like it’s asleep. I went to the doctor and they want to do an MRI Friday. I will see if I can afford it. Money is tight and it’s an expensive scan for them to tell me I might need back surgery (I won’t have it ever, unless it’s life or death). So it’s holding me up from completely healing well.

Friday marks one year on T! Yes I’m excited as hell. Thinking about throwing a mini party for the occasion. I am actually working on my video currently. It’s crazy to see the changes in a seven minute video. I’m going through my house to find my baby pictures to put in there. I’m having fun doing.

My personal life has jumped up. I’m really happy with the situation. I may share later what this means and not be so cryptic.

I may do a blog later about this. I recently watched a video and talked to a guy on youtube about sexuality and transitioning. My sexuality has been called into question as I have mentioned before. But I have found someone with a similar story. I have watched many videos and read many blogs only to see that though many of my brothers of transition are very different than me. We all feel very different about our transition and there are infinite ways to transition. I found it awesome to connect to another brother about this topic. I know there are more, but they are hard to find.

Last thing: Chaz Bono on “Dancing with the Stars”! Hellz yes. Thomas Beauty recently complained because he was also in the running for this spot. I personally think Chaz is a better fit since he is a child star with star parents. His PR is a little better. His interviews about this slanderous crap on the internet have been amazing. He shows his beliefs in himself and his lifestyle without getting excited and making it worse. I am very proud that he is out that showing a very positive face for my community. I will be voting for Chaz on Dancing with the Stars. I think I might go as him for halloween!

Hysterectomy scheduled!

So I am scheduled to have my hysterectomy next Wednesday! Finally to be rid of this hateful thing. I don’t like it and it doesn’t like me. The time has come to have it taken out. I was surprised that they would be so ready to take out so quickly. I have tried many different things to make it not hurt, but nothing has worked. I have tried birth control, progesterone, pain killers, and nothing worked or even came close to making it not hurt. I am completely happy with this step in my transition!

So I had a job interview Saturday. I usually don’t disclose my trans status since I am in a right to work state. Or as I like to call it “right to fire state”. Anyways this company is know for having a completely accepting policy and is all for equal rights. So it worked in my favor to tell at least the person who interviewed me who I am.

So everything is going pretty well. Hope it stays this way.

The next steps for me…

So I’m coming up really fast on graduating college. I don’t think I will be able to get my name change in time to have it put on my diploma, but I think I can get it reissued when I can get the time to go to court to file the petition. (I have to do it in Louisiana because that is where I currently reside). I’m not letting it get to me. I’ve never liked my birth name (even before transitioning) so I am just walking across that stage with my head held high. I’m graduating. That is the most important part.

Next thing for me is going to be chest surgery. I have to get it done. I’m having bad chest dsyphoria now. I don’t know if I have said it on here, but I can’t wear a binder all the time. I have arthritis in my sternum. So when I bind, it hurts so bad the next day I can’t stand it. It sucks cause having it on really makes me feel better about how I look. I have tried only wearing for a couple of hours and building up to it. I just can’t do it. So surgery will hopefully happen soon. The good news for me is right now I look like I am a fat guy with moobs. But there is one problem, I’m losing weight. (I know what a problem) I’m losing my guy and my moobs are becoming more pronounced. It blows. So now I kinda doubt whether I pass (which is a little silly, my voice is deep and my face is square). The moobs just gotta go. Plain and simple.

Also, looking at a hysterectomy as well. My ovaries are not fans of me putting that much T in my body. They are fighting and hurt real bad. Not to mention, taking t for a long period of time and not taking them out is a cancer risk. (I get screen often, no worries, but it needs to happen.)

If you can’t tell, I’m in a much better mood as of late. I’m feeling really accomplished at school. I found out that I can make up some work I was missing. So I think I got it now. Hopefully. Graduation here I come. My anxiety will be kicking and screaming the whole way. My inner voice has not been happy about this idea. That’s why I have changed my major four times and never graduated before now. My therapist told me yesterday to listen to the inner voice and then just give it a big ole middle finger. And that is what I am doing.

Six months on T and such

I have been busy as of late. I realized I needed to do an update. I celebrated my six months while on spring break. Got to see my family and friends back home. It was great.

Some physical changes: my voice dropped a little bit more; getting a lot more facial hair; my happy trail is longer, more hair just everywhere.

Emotionally it’s been up and down. It’s been a year since my dad died. I’m not handling it well. It’s been up and down. I think my hormones are out of whack. I’m scheduling an appointment to have my levels drawn and see about changing something. Cause what I have going on now isn’t it.

Another thing. I’m having to take more klonopin cause my anxiety is out of whack. Hopefully I can get myself back on track of all this.

Sorry this is kinda of down. I’m kinda down.

Sick as all get out!

So out of the blue, I’m feeling fine. And Friday morning I wake up with worst sore throat of my life. So I decide I need to rest. Well I slept all day. Saturday I got yelled at to go to the doctor. So I went to the doc in the box, down the road. She looked at me and gave me some nasal steroids and cough syrup with phenagrin cause I’m allergic to codeine. So I take it and go home to rest. Or so I thought.

I woke up later that night and nothing I did could make me comfortable. Nothing. I was on the verge of tears. My room mate (who is awesome for this) took my sorry ass to the hospital. There they were about to not do anything. Trying not to look like a drug seeker, I begged for something. So I got a shot of steroids in my ass and some Lortab. I finally got some sleep. So I emailed my teachers and told them I wasn’t coming to class. I needed to rest and still contagious.

So I’m finally feeling a lot less like death. Just coughing a lot. I know that will go away. I haven’t been this sick in at least three years. Made me miss being at home. But I think I’m turning the corner. One more day of rest and I should be good. Hopefully this will be just water under the bridge.

This has nothing to do with my transition, but just giving a life update. Hope everyone had a good valentine’s day.

2 months on T!

The GI doctor’s turn

After being told I have ovarian cysts, I went to the GI doctor because I was told the pain was too high for just my ovaries. The GI doctor talked to me for about an hour. At which time I did disclose I am wanting to medically transition. He actually asked questions about what I wanted to do. Medically gave a damn about it. It was a good experience. He said he want to do a colonoscopy. Yippee. Not.

All day Sunday I didn’t eat and drank a really nasty liquid to clean my colon. Monday morning I got up early and had the procedure. He told me I have a spastic colon. (I’m not surprised about that) He also took a piece of colon to look at under the microscope. I hope it comes back clean. There was something else about my body is not absorbing back the bile my body is making. That’s also making me sick. It was nice to not be looked at like I’m crazy and feel legit about my problems.

Right now I’m playing the waiting game on my letter of GID. I’m so ready to get on hormones. I want to get them started before I go back to school. And that is fast approaching. A month to the day! I’m running around trying to get in all done.

This birth control is making me crazy too. I’m not a fan of it. I’m so moody. Yes I know in general I’m a moody person, but it feels like it’s pushing me to the edge. Glad I only have to take a month of it. If it doesn’t work, I will not continue it.

Another reason to take them out (ovaries)

I went to the ER Wednesday morning with what felt like a kidney stone. I was nauseous and had severe back pain. This pain wrapped around my back and to the upper right quadrant of my abdomen. I get put back in a room and wait for them to start an IV to give me medicine. I was ok with this until the lady put my IV in. She missed and after the needle rolling around in my hand I got sick. Really sick. I hurled what seemed to be two days worth of food. Sorry for the TMI. After that I finally got some medicine to make me feel better. About an hour later, the nurse comes back with barium. For those that don’t know, it’s a real chalky substance that tastes gross and makes your bowels glow in the dark. (For a CT scan) I was a little bit surprised that I kept it down.

So off they take me to CT. I’m fine. Then they put a contrast dye in my IV lock in my hand. That crap hurts. Apparently the contrast dye and pain medicine are not friends. So I think I’m ok. But I wasn’t. I had to yell at the CT person to get me out. Once they did then I hurled every last bit of that barium up. I did this before they finish they scan. After some cool rags, I finish the scan and went back to the ER.

A little time later the doctor walks in, she looks at me matter-of-factly and says you have an ovarian cyst. REALLY? I just went to the GYN on Monday. Ok whatever. I just knew I was in pain and wanted to go home and stopped being used a pin cushion. So I go sent home with some anti-nausea medicine and Ibuprofen. I was also told to take two days off work. So I called my boss and explained I needed the time off. No problem there.

I went home and called the gyn cause it seemed the next plausible step. I made an appointment and went Friday.

Warning: A little graphic!

So they make take my pants and boxers off and wait for the doctor. While I’m waiting there, they bring in an ultrasound machine. I don’t know why it bothered me but it did for some reason that the ultrasound that was for the inside was covered by a condom. I get it, just for me it really gave me the creeps. I already have issues about my junk and a condom on the ultrasound. Yeah.

The procedure itself was not painful. A little uncomfortable (but I think you know why) maybe. I sat up and he said yes you have an ovarian cyst. But it shouldn’t make you hurt where you are hurting. It’s in the wrong place. He wanted me to go see a GI doctor Wednesday. Oh and here’s the kicker. I have to take birth control. I’m so anti-female hormones I could fucking spit. But I know the reasoning behind it. The cyst is from a follicle not coming completely away from the ovary. So the birth control keeps you from ovulating. So this cyst should go away and no more of them should happen.

If this doesn’t work, I’m smooth on the track to get this ripped out. I don’t want it anymore and now it’s just causing pain and heart ache. I’m really feeling not right. I know being sick has bumped me around. But the ovarian cyst is like a swift kick to my proverbial nuts. So now I take a pill for a month that just reminds me more how female I truly am.

Thanks to everyone who has given well wishes and prayers. I appreciate all of them. I really have some of the most amazing friends and family.