To all brothers (out or not)

This post is dedicated to all my brothers who have found themselves and to the ones still struggling. Many of you have reached out to talk to me. Or you have given me the look like I need to tell you something. I know brother. Don’t worry. This is your out post.

No I’m not outing anyone. I am going back and telling my beginning story. I hope you can see yourself in some of this “coming out” letter. Cheesy as it sounds “it gets better”. And I am no more brave in my life than you. I was just given a chance to transition at this time.

Here’s what I remember of being different:

It started early in life. The feeling of different. And by early I mean some of my first memories were confusing. I was that adorable kid that mom wanted to dress up in dresses and long hair with bows. I abhorred it. I wanted to be dressed like my counterparts. Pants. Ties didn’t seem so bad. Little girls played dress up with mom’s high heels and pearls. Not me. I stole my dad’s tennis shoes and tried really hard to tie a tie.

My friends were guys and I played basketball and kickball during recess. When I did have girls in my class, I ignored them. They annoyed me. At age seven, I didn’t grasp the concept of girls don’t go shirtless. I mean we looked the same. I distinctly remember yelling at a friend “it would be easier if I was a boy” at age eleven or so. 11-13 was traumatic. I was a denial guy. I wasn’t getting boobs, I was fat was my logic. The dream really came crashing down when blood started to come out of me. Wtf?

High school was just trying to fit in. Paying attention to my peers closer than the normal person to try and emulate their actions. I found some solace in playing basketball and being in band. Basketball let me tough.

For me my sexuality was the next thing to be tried. This hat was the closest I tried on. I was in the right group of people. I was no longer different (or so I thought). Fitting this piece of the puzzle made life easier for me for a while. But after a few years, it did seem like it wasn’t the whole story for me. I still felt alone in the lesbian community. Things just started to pop up. Your normal daily things seem overly masculine to others. I even had a masculine nickname cause I did act so much like a dude. I had seen butch lesbians, and thought that’s not it either.

Then there was that one defining moment. I was at my nephew’s graduation and my three year old niece walked up to me and asked if I was a boy or a girl. Punched in the gut by such a benign question. It should been easy to say “I’m a girl who likes to wear different clothing”. But it wasn’t the truth. I’m a terrible liar and could feel the walls safety fall down. And for the first time I felt naked.

I could not go back. Believe me I tried. Dresses, and growing out my hair, but it was all wrong. I cut my hair off and went back to my jeans and t shirts. I knew for me I had to transition. Not being myself was not an option.

Right after my dad passed away, I started hormones. My family is mostly supportive. They don’t get it, but they are glad I found myself. Also I was single at the time. I can not stress how important that is. This transition is a very selfish time in your life. It’s all about you. You go back to that childhood state. You just have to do it in a much shorter time. Therapy helps. I did it. I’m grateful I did. Then getting on hormones, you start your second puberty. Within the second year of hormones, you finally start feeling more normal. The selfishness fades and this new person sits in place for you. The voice you hear finally matches the voice inside your head. That monologue sounds right now. Looking in the mirror, your face shape changed to what you have always seen. It matches. If you have surgery, you see the chest you have always wanted since you were eleven.

Do not despair if you feel you can’t transition or it’s not happening fast enough. You are just as brave as I am. You are also my brother no matter what state of your transition you are in. Your journey may be a little different, but we are all the same. Trapped in the wrong body.

Try hard to be yourself no matter.

Support for brothers in Monroe/West Monroe:

Use YouTube, the community there is amazing. You grow with those guys
I know I did. Facebook has some great groups as well.

Dr. Donna Donald 318-410-1910
206 Bell Lane West Monroe
Does hormones

Billy Ledford 318-381-4771
602 Glenmar Ave Monroe
Great therapist and works with
Gender issues

Dr. Peter Raphael 972-543-2477
Plano, TX
Had top surgery with him. I did
not have drains. Great results.

Top surgery and stuff

I took a step today. A big one for me. I called and got an appointment to do a consult for top surgery. I’m planning on doing the surgery with Dr. Peter Raphael in Dallas. I have had two friends have their surgery with him and had fantastic results. Dallas is a lot closer than Florida.

This week I will be turning 28. Crazy to think I’m in my late twenties. Does this feeling of when do I become an adult go away? Seriously still feel lost as ever.

A couple of weekends ago I attended pride in New Orleans. I had a blast. Went down with a couple of brothers like me and felt at home. I always feel at home anywhere but home. It was a great experience. I got a trans button while I was down there. I wore it proudly. Gotta represent the t of LGBT. I had a couple of people say how awesome and courageous it is. While I can’t understand it, I thanked them. Means a lot to a least be recognized as something awesome and not a quack.

I work nights and this is hard to do when I have nothing to do at nights. When I was in school, I had homework. Now I have free time to think. This is dangerous for my mental health. Makes me feel like I’m not getting anything done and I’m wasting up some space. I know this is a down in my bipolar cycle. So I am keeping my chin up.

Hopefully chest surgery will be in a month or so. And fair warning I won’t wear a shirt anymore. Gotta make up for 28 years of being told girls don’t do that.

FAQ

So I have gotten a lot of questions that I realized I need to just have answered on here. These are probably the most common. I have shared these before over the entirety of the blog. This will just put them in on place.

1. How far are you in your transition?

For me personally, I am reaching the end of my transition. I have been on testosterone for 33 months. I had my hysterectomy almost two years ago. I am currently saving and about to set up a consult to do my chest surgery. Almost half is saved to date. Hoping to do this surgery this summer.

2. Does not having a penis make you feel incomplete?

Nope. I don’t really notice that as a problem. I mean if surgeries got better for this I would love to have one. I do not want bottom surgery with the options out currently. The options suck and the risk of losing sensation is high. I would rather do with out a penis than to lose feeling.

3. Sexual orientation?

Bisexual. I like men and women. I was not always that way. When I started testosterone, I noticed I liked men as well as women physically. I still do not understand my sexuality and it is something I still struggle with. Right now I just try to see if the other person just fits me mentally. The rest is up in the air.

4. My presentation/clothes I wear?

I wear men’s clothing. I do not wear a chest binder. It makes my chest hurt too much. I have tried different models and sizes. Nothing makes it to where I can wear it more than one day at a time. I also do not pack. I don’t think anyone notices I don’t have a bulge in my pants. They get in my way. And I constantly feel like I look like I have a hard on. So I don’t do it.

5. My real name?

Is Seth. If you look through here you can find my other name. But I will not tell you. When you know this information, you stop seeing me as Seth. And that’s not what I want. If you meet another trans person, don’t ask them their real name. It’s rude. And legally my name is Seth. So yeah.

6. What has testosterone done for you?

I think testosterone is the most amazing drug ever. My life has changed so much. A lot for the better. I got the deeper voice, facial hair, body hair, etc. One thing I was not expecting: my fibromyalgia symptoms to calm down. Leveling out hormones actually made my fibro become something that doesn’t bring my life down everyday. I don’t hurt every day. I flare less often. My sex drive is through the roof. It was to be expected. No amount of someone tell you it’s going to happen will prepare you.

7. Did you get more aggressive on testosterone?

Nope. It calmed me down a lot. Being yourself really makes you relax.

8. Is transitioning brave?

A lot of people tell me I’m really brave for transitioning. While I appreciate this, I don’t feel brave. I did this for me. No one else. No family or friends could change mind. I do this blog as a payback for a blog I found when I first came out. I believe you get back what you put into the world. I try to put good things into the world. This blog is one of them. I can’t imagine not being out and transitioning. It’s not brave. It was what I had to do to live. And for the first time in my life, I’m living!

Last little thing is a few pieces of advice: always be yourself. No one can tell you who you are. Listen to your heart. Realize that when you transition, it is the most selfish time of your life. You have to go back in your life to figure yourself out. Others may be supportive, but sometimes you need to back away and figure things out for yourself. Lastly, be patient with yourself and others. While all your life you have seen yourself as different and now can put a finger onto why, friends and family don’t have this insight. It will take them a while to get everything settled in their head.

Hope this helps!

Girl brain… Where did it go?

I had a realization the other day that my girl brain had disappeared. I was listening to a friend talk about something. She was talking about ex’s. I realized as I sat there listening that I used to do many of those things with the people I had dated/broke up with. But then I realized I could never do any of that again, because I just don’t think like that anymore.

My emotions are so much more in check now. I act more like Spock than a girl. I look at things with logic now. Instead if how it is going to make me feel. I don’t make irrational decisions. This is new for me. This might be why I have been single the entire time I have been on T.

When it comes to another person and relationship, I don’t do the cat and mouse games any more. I just own it (I’m the easiest person to read, most know it if I don’t say it). The game bores me, and I would rather just blurt the honesty and see what happens. Maybe I’m very impatient, which is quite possible.

My sexuality frustrates me. And I walk around with this chip on my shoulder that no one will pick me because I am trans. I am either not man enough, or way too much of a man. Shit, I’m just me. Gender be damned. Seriously, people want to say they don’t love the gender, they love the person. I call bullshit. I think I’m stuck in small town hell, where gay is still a bad word and heaven forbid someone know what transgender means.

I am blazing a trail in my town. I am usually the only trans person someone has met. There is no community here. The gay community here is a clique. One of my friends calls the lesbians here the “twat circle”. Someone is always someone’s ex and heaven forbid you try and date their ex! Then the circles mix and you get into circles you shouldn’t be in and before you know it your six degrees of separation in this town is now down to one.

So I am frustrated. I tell myself stop trying. Then I think this one person will understand. They ask all the right questions, then back out faster than a sports car. There I am standing there vulnerable as hell having opened myself up and nothing to show for it. Just a lot of pain by showing them my scars I have. Each time I open up to a person and they chicken out, just solidifies my fears about people in general. They just got curious and use me to find out about it.

I’m overall in just a weird mood lately. I just need to spend some time working on me and forget the nonsense.

The man, the myth

Being so far into transition, I realized a few things the other day. I have the option for the first time in my life to become stealth. And I don’t know what to think about that. I am comfortable enough in my life to feel like I’m not lying anymore about being who I am. But it’s something I really feel like I can’t do. I feel like I’m sweeping a part of myself under the rug.

Honestly I feel like half of me is under the rug. I have always been a full fledge member of the queer community. Since I have transitioned, I don’t have the big blinking sign that says gay! I have been gay for ten years now. And being considered hetero by my peers seems like the worst thing imaginable. (Although in the south this is probably a good thing) It floors me to have people see me in the gay bar and go I didn’t know you were gay. Really?

I’m backwards to society I know. Instead of no homo, I need a sign that says no hetero. For me being labeled hetero has been the worst thing in the world. Bitch I’m fabulous! Sorry I don’t sneeze glitter and my wrists are not limp. I may not be gay or lesbian or bi, but dammit I am trans and love my queer community no matter the bickering and drama that ensues. They are my family. And I will stick up for my family.

I am living my life the best I know how currently. And it is quite an amazing ride right now. I’m back in school for nursing. I’m working my butt off and playing on the weekend. Besides being a myth of a creature (the best of both sexes) this man is a legend!

No Testosterone left…

So I know you are not supposed to let your testosterone run out. Except I did. And it is a week before Christmas and I can’t get a new prescription. I was supposed to go today to see my doctor. Only my doctor is still located in Nashville. 500 miles away and nine hours in a car. 

This weekend, I forgot I had signed up for overtime work. It was easy, but it kept me from driving there. So here I sit, sweating like no other. So any suggestions to help? Besides missing a lot of work to drive to see a doctor? 

 

Rise above

Tranny! The word that is the most offensive. More than being called a dyke, cunt, faggot or queer. Tranny. To me it’s equal to calling someone a nigger. Yeah that bad. It’s demeaning. I know I’m different, but I am trying my damnedest to fit into societal and gender norms that are black and white, when my norms are completely grey.

I am not a cross dresser. This isn’t something I can take off and just go back to being a girl (Christ I would hate that). It’s not a costume and it’s definitely not for show. I inject hormones (testosterone) into my body that cause permanent changes in my body to make my gender. All my life I have felt make and my body as being female was God’s cruel joke. I thought you were supposed to get a manual or handbook about this body. I was that lost. I was awkward. Most of my friends can attest to this. Now that I am seen as male I am so much more complete. The little things make me happy. Like sitting in the barbershop and being told the key to a successful marriage is the “women is always right”. (Sexist I know, but look where I’m living)

Since I came out as transgender, my sexuality is like a ride of the year 1968! Up-down and very revolutionary. But I can’t find a happy place in any of it. Asexual is looking better and better everyday. Am I just fed up with people? Most people will get on my nerves. The people I love truly are my best friends, and it’s not on a level of anything besides friendship. I feel lost in all of it. Somethings are great (sex! With men), other not (no relationships) and the safety of being alone. Where do I go from here cause nothing seems right?

I have always believed myself to be a Phoenix. I try to rise out of the ashes of my life. I feel line this time as I arise out of the ashes, I am truly a beautiful, colorful Phoenix. I always thought myself as a grey, dull bird. I’m not dull at all. Just had to catch on fire for the 100th time. I keep rising.

Two years and still learning

So I realized I needed to add somethings on here. A couple of ideas have been floating in my head for a while. I passed my two year mark on t! I also officially got my name changed on my documents. Still have a few little things. But now I can get carded and not feel like a weirdo. It’s probably one of the best things. For me it really put the nail in the coffin for my “transition”.

That’s what I wanted to write about mostly. Transitioning. Or for me just living. I don’t feel like I’m changing anymore. I’m just Seth. Like its how it always should of been. But I am still learning. I am realizing that is life. Learning. Changing and evolving. So I morphed into a man.

Being a man in the South has some expectations that are unspoken. I realized not being brought up that way I’m still learning the unspoken. Opening doors for women is a must! Don’t you dare open the door and walk ahead of her. Normal man thing (not just a southern thing) is the handshake. Yes there is a right and wrong way to shake someone’s hand.

Since moving back to Monroe, I’m not financially independent. So I live at home. But it sounds so much better here, if you came home to take care of your momma. Cause that’s what sons are supposed to do. She says move 50 lb feed bags for the horses and pick up bales of hay. You don’t dare let a lady do hard work. Doesn’t matter you are about to have a heat stroke. Be a gentleman. I find it funny when I meet someone who doesn’t like or accept the traditional treatment or common courtesy of these acts. My old roommate was one of them. Cracks me up. Living in Nashville you do get the royal treatment as a lady. She was constantly telling me to stop and I’d get the dirty looks from people later for not doing those things.

One thing I never thought I’d say is I’m becoming more and more country. I now have a truck. My idea of a great time is riding in my truck listening to “I’ve got friends in low places” at 11 and heading out to the lake or to see my horses. Give me a beer over a cocktail. My boots are always with me. And spend my time on the weekend watching some SEC football or my Saints. Yes sir.

So I may have lost my mind but I’m getting there. I still get a little crazy when I realize how little money I make. One good crazy freak out and I’m good. I’m happy. Shhh don’t tell anyone. One day at a time. It’s been a great motto.

Smoothing the ride out…

Man August has been a great month for me. I finally am living the life I have always wanted. Just by living it. I know it sounds so cliche. Honestly, I let go. Let God. I am finding my faith for the first time in a couple of years. I asked God for an answer. Just something to let me know he was there. Something even Doubting Thomas would believe. While I didn’t get to touch the holes in Jesus’s hand I did find an answer. I heard the same thing three times in one day from three different people. It was something that I had been carrying in my heart and these people said it out loud. 

I got my name changed officially with the state of Louisiana and with the social security office. So now I have to change my entire life of all of these things. License, Bank, W-4, Work ID, Insurance, schools I have applied to and now need to go back and change that (long story, I’ll explain below), birth certificate. The list is hella long, but I have been learning I can’t do it all and I just do what I can. So I am trying to do one change of ID everyday. It’s a lot. 

Ok so the school thing. I want to go back to get my degree in Nursing. My degree is not getting me as far as I had hoped. But I am actually applying to real jobs that involve my degree. I found jobs in New Orleans, and Dallas. So I maybe moving. I am trying the approach of throwing out every application to every job I know I can do in these two metros and seeing what happens. If nothing happens, then I will continue with getting into nursing school in November/December, whenever the quarter for Tech starts. I missed my chance to do it for September. I didn’t feel I was ready. 

Life has been so much smoother recently. I have been at my current job for over a year now. Crazy. I never wanted to be in Monroe for this long. So now I see the light and the figurative boot to my ass to get the hell out. No reason to be held here. I feel complete. Minus surgery. I am Seth and for once that’s enough. 

23 months!!

Wow hard to believe I’m a month away from two years. Crazy. I have noticed my face has changed a lot more over the last four to five months. Maybe it’s me finally feeling truly comfortable in my own skin. That does make your face light up in a different way.

So I would do a video but I never can remember when I’m at home. So eight hours of nothing to do at work gives me the time to type it out on my little phone.

So I have mentioned this on here that I am truly codependent. Well I am actually working a 12 step program on this. I have faced I am powerless over others and I believe God can restore me to sanity. This will be a life long battle for me. I did not realize how much the book described me (Codependent No More by Melody Beattie). It has help me come to terms with a lot of things I have been dealing with my whole life. I want to change things around for me. I am working on meditation every day, reading the 12 steps, and saying the Serenity Prayer. My life has always been this big ball of tension. I’m slowly plucking this ball away. They are like piano strings and can really hurt. But I am also learning to feel all emotions.

I am taking the steps to open my life up to reality and doing the “live and let God” part. My false sense of control has been my downfall and I’m working to turn that around. For the first time I’m breathing in and feeling peace. That feeling of peace is what gave me the strength to keep pushing on these steps of life. I need the structure of steps and there they are waiting for me.

I will close with the first step: “I admit I am powerless over others- that my life has become unmanageable.”