I had a realization the other day that my girl brain had disappeared. I was listening to a friend talk about something. She was talking about ex’s. I realized as I sat there listening that I used to do many of those things with the people I had dated/broke up with. But then I realized I could never do any of that again, because I just don’t think like that anymore.
My emotions are so much more in check now. I act more like Spock than a girl. I look at things with logic now. Instead if how it is going to make me feel. I don’t make irrational decisions. This is new for me. This might be why I have been single the entire time I have been on T.
When it comes to another person and relationship, I don’t do the cat and mouse games any more. I just own it (I’m the easiest person to read, most know it if I don’t say it). The game bores me, and I would rather just blurt the honesty and see what happens. Maybe I’m very impatient, which is quite possible.
My sexuality frustrates me. And I walk around with this chip on my shoulder that no one will pick me because I am trans. I am either not man enough, or way too much of a man. Shit, I’m just me. Gender be damned. Seriously, people want to say they don’t love the gender, they love the person. I call bullshit. I think I’m stuck in small town hell, where gay is still a bad word and heaven forbid someone know what transgender means.
I am blazing a trail in my town. I am usually the only trans person someone has met. There is no community here. The gay community here is a clique. One of my friends calls the lesbians here the “twat circle”. Someone is always someone’s ex and heaven forbid you try and date their ex! Then the circles mix and you get into circles you shouldn’t be in and before you know it your six degrees of separation in this town is now down to one.
So I am frustrated. I tell myself stop trying. Then I think this one person will understand. They ask all the right questions, then back out faster than a sports car. There I am standing there vulnerable as hell having opened myself up and nothing to show for it. Just a lot of pain by showing them my scars I have. Each time I open up to a person and they chicken out, just solidifies my fears about people in general. They just got curious and use me to find out about it.
I’m overall in just a weird mood lately. I just need to spend some time working on me and forget the nonsense.
My transition from Female to Male 
I know exactly what you mean. I’ve only been on T 5 1/2 months but my emotional responses to things are completely different. Much more logical.
Reblogged this on Artist hidden in the Shadows .
Seth, thank you so much for sharing your journey. I have found it both enlightening and comforting. I have struggles of my own related to my sexuality. Reading your blog has made me feel a little less alone.
Good. That is what this blog is meant to do. Best of luck.
II am still reading through all of your blog and watching your videos. I think you have been and are incredibly brave. I can’t fathom going through all that you have been through. I wish i could be as brave as you.