Riding a roller-coaster and the damn thing won’t stop…

Wow has it been a while since I have updated. I can honestly say I have been avoiding this blog. I’ve been afraid of myself. Crazy I know. Hence the title of this blog. I have been feeling a lot more up and down in my emotions of late. I feel I’m on the ride of a huge change and not the change I want.

Recently I have been a complete a-hole to some of my biggest supporters and friends. I have been into myself a lot more than I can remember in a current time. But the reason I have this feeling of talking about myself so much is I feel I need to validate myself. I feel like a fake. Lost. I’m not brave or courageous for doing this transition. I’m selfish and take out a lot people in my wake to get what I want. Just your basic bull in a china shop. I’ve done it all my life why stop now?

Who knew at a year and a half I would really start to feel the isolation of this transition. I moved away from a lot of support in Nashville. I couldn’t afford to stay and didn’t want to break into the music industry there (it’s a good ole boy club and I’m just queer). Well nine months post graduation, I’m still not doing anything with my degree and bitching about it the whole way without really trying to fix. I’m not scared to fail. I’m scared to succeed.

I am terrified of success. I’m so much better at being a failure that success seems like something so far away and alien I don’t think I know what I’d do if I got it. I miss having a therapist, so this is my therapy temporarily.

Yes I know after reading this you think I need to up my medicine. I agree. Something isn’t working. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. Life as bipolar.

Health Update…

Ok so it was a no go for hormones here. They want me to be seen for three or four weeks in a row before I get hormones. Not happening. I’m going back to Monroe. But while I was there I found out I really need to see the GYN ASAP! Apparently the cramps are from the endometriosis I have. Yipee! So I called and I have an appointment Monday at a women’s clinic (not happy, but this is the doctor who knows my history all ready, trans and all). So I will sit hairy face and all in the waiting room full of pregnant women. I hope you can’t catch estrogen from them (I’m kidding).

I have to call a doctor I found in Bossier. I need to see what he needs from me to be able to make an appointment. I am already on hormones, but if he needs something from the former doctor or the therapist I saw in Nashville. This is what I get for being a transman in the south. Few roadbumps. But I won’t let them bring me down.

Ok totally random part of my blog. I have been battling with my sexuality since  I have become really comfortable with myself. The best way to describe it “I don’t have a damn clue and I will see where the hell it leads me”! Grey. Nothing is definite currently. For once in my life I’m ok with it. If you have an idea about one switching their sexuality, I’m open to suggestions.

And thanks to everyone who reads this blog. I don’t have a clue who reads it, but it’s awesome to get messages from people I have not heard from in ages telling me they support me. You don’t know what that means to me. You guys are a support system that I never could of dreamed of having.

The next steps for me…

So I’m coming up really fast on graduating college. I don’t think I will be able to get my name change in time to have it put on my diploma, but I think I can get it reissued when I can get the time to go to court to file the petition. (I have to do it in Louisiana because that is where I currently reside). I’m not letting it get to me. I’ve never liked my birth name (even before transitioning) so I am just walking across that stage with my head held high. I’m graduating. That is the most important part.

Next thing for me is going to be chest surgery. I have to get it done. I’m having bad chest dsyphoria now. I don’t know if I have said it on here, but I can’t wear a binder all the time. I have arthritis in my sternum. So when I bind, it hurts so bad the next day I can’t stand it. It sucks cause having it on really makes me feel better about how I look. I have tried only wearing for a couple of hours and building up to it. I just can’t do it. So surgery will hopefully happen soon. The good news for me is right now I look like I am a fat guy with moobs. But there is one problem, I’m losing weight. (I know what a problem) I’m losing my guy and my moobs are becoming more pronounced. It blows. So now I kinda doubt whether I pass (which is a little silly, my voice is deep and my face is square). The moobs just gotta go. Plain and simple.

Also, looking at a hysterectomy as well. My ovaries are not fans of me putting that much T in my body. They are fighting and hurt real bad. Not to mention, taking t for a long period of time and not taking them out is a cancer risk. (I get screen often, no worries, but it needs to happen.)

If you can’t tell, I’m in a much better mood as of late. I’m feeling really accomplished at school. I found out that I can make up some work I was missing. So I think I got it now. Hopefully. Graduation here I come. My anxiety will be kicking and screaming the whole way. My inner voice has not been happy about this idea. That’s why I have changed my major four times and never graduated before now. My therapist told me yesterday to listen to the inner voice and then just give it a big ole middle finger. And that is what I am doing.

Four months on T!

Week 10 on T

Week Five on T/Not a video

Sorry guys I look like crap and I’m being super lazy. Just going to give an update this a way.

Changes: Darker hair coming in around my lip and side burns. Strange thing is my hair on my legs is disappearing. I have less hair there now. I know strange. My overall build is squaring out. I feel my shoulders filling out. My arms are a lot tighter. I’m feeling a whole lot stronger.

Random change: I can burp manly. It’s awesome. And I’m really gassy. But I’ve been like that all my life.

I’m feeling really good. I’m having the time of my life. Therapy has been amazing. It has been something I needed. But this is the first time I think I am ready to listen to it.

This is a random post but just letting you know I’m alive. I’m doing a paper on a cartoon hero named T-Man. Wonder where I got the inspiration for this?

Week 3 on T!

I have a therapist too!

This week has been amazing to say the least. I got my first shot yesterday. I don’t think I have stopped smiling because of this. I feel amazing, but that might be the fifteen hours of sleep I got last night. I accidentally fell asleep during the Saints game, but I knew my boys would prevail.

So Wednesday I called about twenty different phone numbers to see about getting a therapist. After exhausting my list I had, I looked it up on Google. Psychology Today has a great place to look up therapists. There was not a specific way to look up gender issues for a therapists, but I then remembered it’s considered a dissociative disorder. From there, I started looking up therapist. In them I found one that specifically said he worked with all GLBTQ people. So I gave him a ring. I was more surprised when he actually answered his phone. I told him what I was looking for out of therapy. I also told him I would love to work on the loss of my father. It’s been a really hard thing for me. He said he would have no problem working on both things. So I have an appt. for September 20th.

By the way, I had to have a therapist to get the shot yesterday. It is why I was busting to get one. I’m really hoping that this helps. I was also happy to find an actual LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) instead of a counselor. They work a little differently. I have a prejuduice against counselors cause my mother is an LCSW. So, it really worked out. I’m looking forward to working with him. I would mention his name for those here in Nashville area, but he’s really booked. But if he has an opening I’ll let people know.

Things are definitely looking up. My “T” birthday is 09/09/2010. The Chinese number for nine sounds exactly like the word for longevity. I’m hoping that’s a good luck thing for me. Gives me inspiration for a new tattoo.

Hope everyone is doing well and as always thanks for reading and commenting.

One week left…

One week left and I’m out of Louisiana and going back to Tennessee. School starts in less than a week and I’m at my last week of work here. I realized I haven’t updated in a bit.

School begins the cycle of emails to teachers explaining my name. Also back to one place I really feel like Seth. Not that my friends here don’t make me feel like me, but in TN I can use men’s restrooms and not worry about seeing someone I know and outing me. Yeah I had to use the women’s restroom at work and some woman made a scene. Seriously a SCENE! I’ve had the normal lady look at the door again after looking at me, but this one shouted. To top it off she waited til I left the bathroom to go in. I get so tired of people being complete bitches.

So as far as I can tell my therapist is never going to contact me again. I’ve called and left messages and I have not heard a word from her in over a month. So much for that. When I get to TN I’ll find a doctor and start hormones. So all of that has been pushed back. Hopefully I’ll be getting T soon.

Oh and for those that have seen Transgeneration, TJ is now living in Nashville and is working with the LGBT center at Vanderbilt. I’m excited. It was this show that really helped me to feel comfortable being myself. This is one guy’s brain I would like to pick.

Anyways, I’ll be finishing packing and leaving soon. Thanks for reading.

The GI doctor’s turn

After being told I have ovarian cysts, I went to the GI doctor because I was told the pain was too high for just my ovaries. The GI doctor talked to me for about an hour. At which time I did disclose I am wanting to medically transition. He actually asked questions about what I wanted to do. Medically gave a damn about it. It was a good experience. He said he want to do a colonoscopy. Yippee. Not.

All day Sunday I didn’t eat and drank a really nasty liquid to clean my colon. Monday morning I got up early and had the procedure. He told me I have a spastic colon. (I’m not surprised about that) He also took a piece of colon to look at under the microscope. I hope it comes back clean. There was something else about my body is not absorbing back the bile my body is making. That’s also making me sick. It was nice to not be looked at like I’m crazy and feel legit about my problems.

Right now I’m playing the waiting game on my letter of GID. I’m so ready to get on hormones. I want to get them started before I go back to school. And that is fast approaching. A month to the day! I’m running around trying to get in all done.

This birth control is making me crazy too. I’m not a fan of it. I’m so moody. Yes I know in general I’m a moody person, but it feels like it’s pushing me to the edge. Glad I only have to take a month of it. If it doesn’t work, I will not continue it.