Posts Tagged ‘binder’

So I’m coming up really fast on graduating college. I don’t think I will be able to get my name change in time to have it put on my diploma, but I think I can get it reissued when I can get the time to go to court to file the petition. (I have to do it in Louisiana because that is where I currently reside). I’m not letting it get to me. I’ve never liked my birth name (even before transitioning) so I am just walking across that stage with my head held high. I’m graduating. That is the most important part.

Next thing for me is going to be chest surgery. I have to get it done. I’m having bad chest dsyphoria now. I don’t know if I have said it on here, but I can’t wear a binder all the time. I have arthritis in my sternum. So when I bind, it hurts so bad the next day I can’t stand it. It sucks cause having it on really makes me feel better about how I look. I have tried only wearing for a couple of hours and building up to it. I just can’t do it. So surgery will hopefully happen soon. The good news for me is right now I look like I am a fat guy with moobs. But there is one problem, I’m losing weight. (I know what a problem) I’m losing my guy and my moobs are becoming more pronounced. It blows. So now I kinda doubt whether I pass (which is a little silly, my voice is deep and my face is square). The moobs just gotta go. Plain and simple.

Also, looking at a hysterectomy as well. My ovaries are not fans of me putting that much T in my body. They are fighting and hurt real bad. Not to mention, taking t for a long period of time and not taking them out is a cancer risk. (I get screen often, no worries, but it needs to happen.)

If you can’t tell, I’m in a much better mood as of late. I’m feeling really accomplished at school. I found out that I can make up some work I was missing. So I think I got it now. Hopefully. Graduation here I come. My anxiety will be kicking and screaming the whole way. My inner voice has not been happy about this idea. That’s why I have changed my major four times and never graduated before now. My therapist told me yesterday to listen to the inner voice and then just give it a big ole middle finger. And that is what I am doing.

My friend Ariel King had to do a paper about an interesting person. I was very surprised when I she asked me. She sent me the paper and am very proud of her work. Below is the paper as she turned it in to her class.

FTM (Female to Male)

“I had a very rude awakening when my niece asked if I was a boy. I have been asked this all my life and it was someone in my family and a child that made this question so difficult. It was there I knew I could no longer be ‘Beth’. So this is when I became Seth.”

On a recent Sunday morning, Seth Dunlap sat at a table in IHOP sipping a cup of coffee and reflecting on his decision to transition from female to male. To those who do not know him, Dunlap looks like a typical 25-year-old man. He is wearing a long-sleeved, maroon and gold T-shirt from the University of Louisiana at Monroe, jeans and K-Swiss tennis shoes. He has blue eyes and short, dark hair. Each of his forearms is emblazoned with a tattoo. One arm depicts a treble clef symbol, and the other bears a bass clef. Standing at 5 feet 7 inches tall, he has the stocky, muscular build of an athlete a remnant from his days on various sports teams. He is the picture of masculinity and although he may now look similar to the boys he grew up playing football and baseball with, he was born a woman. He was Beth Dunlap. Beth was tall, curvy and had long curly hair. Beth was attractive, but when she wore a dress or makeup, it was obvious that that she was uncomfortable and did these things only because they were expected of her.

Although his appearance has changed quite a bit since then, Dunlap has remained the bubbly, funny and sweet individual that people have always enjoyed being around. Many transgender individuals become hostile and short with people that are uninformed about the politically correct terms used for transgender individuals, but not Dunlap. He understands that most people are not aware of the expectations the transgender community has for its treatment and what the members of this society prefer to be referred to as. Therefore, instead of becoming offended, he politely corrects people when they use the wrong pronoun or term. He also is willing, almost eager, to share his story when others insist they just want to be left alone. He wants to allow others to witness his transition and become informed which makes him even more endearing.

Seth got his name when he was still “Beth” from a friend who joked that he acted like a boy and therefore needed a boy name. The name and idea stuck with Dunlap who has been on the journey to his new gender identity since 2009. It was then that he decided to take the steps necessary to become to society who he felt he had always been on the inside.

While enjoying a breakfast of pancakes and coffee, Dunlap recollected that he first noticed he was different at the age of 5. “I definitely feel like I was born in the wrong body,” Dunlap said. “I remember as a kid always playing with little boys. I liked Ninja Turtles and Ghostbusters. I never understood why I couldn’t run around without my shirt like the guys.” As the years went on, she continued to feel uncomfortable as a female. In high school, Beth was bullied for being a lesbian when she identified as straight. She came out as bisexual in college. Upon discovering that the lesbian community was not as open to bisexuals as to lesbians, she came out as a lesbian. Dunlap then came out as transgender in 2009 and currently identifies as bisexual.

According to statistics from Youth Pride Inc., gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers and 33.2 percent of transgender youth have attempted suicide. Dunlap is no stranger to these statistics and also entertained the idea of suicide as a teen. He was bullied in high school for being gay long before he identified as a lesbian, but he stated that this treatment was not what caused the suicidal feelings he experienced. He said that  these feelings came from being uncomfortable in his own skin. “I definitely felt like I did not fit in. I never knew why,” said Dunlap. “It was depressing to not know why I felt betrayed by my body.” He added that after coming out as transgender and starting the process to become male, he no longer feels suicidal.

He went on to address the misconception that sexual orientation and gender are separate issues. Dunlap said, “People are finally starting to understand that sexuality is fluid and not binary. It’s the same thing with gender. Gender is not binary. It is not male and it is not just female. We all fit in how masculine or how feminine we are.”

His sexual orientation was not a factor in his decision to transition. He is open to a relationship with a straight woman as well as with a gay man, but chose not to date while focusing on the transgender process and his own needs.

Seth began his process of transitioning from female to male in 2009. Transgender individuals can be divided into subcategories and the process they undergo is dependant on what their desired outcome is. In addition to the option of surgically altering one’s appearance, there are people who fall into the category of “genderqueer” and identify as neither male nor female and individuals who cross-dress which is the act of dressing in the clothing of the opposite sex. Seth is part of the transgender community that desires to completely transition and be recognized socially, physically and legally as the opposite gender.

This is an intense process and requires the person to seek medical treatment in order to achieve their physical goals. According to the website http://www.transgendered-soul.com, the first step necessary is to join a support group while adjusting to the changes presented when adjusting to a new identity. Like most of the transgender men, who are women that choose to transition to male, he began dressing like a man and assumed the identity of a man at the beginning of this process. Many transgender men use devices like chest binders that reduce the appearance of their breasts and “stand-to-pee” devices. A stand-to-pee device is often a medicine spoon with a hole puncture at the end that transgender men use to learn how to urinate standing up and to allow them use men’s public bathrooms. Transitioning from female-to-male and from male-to-female are completely separate processes, but both require individuals to participate in therapy to ensure that they are prepared to undergo gender reassignment and once this is verified by a therapist, they are then able to begin hormone therapy. Seth is now at this point in his treatment.

Dunlap is now taking testosterone. The hormone is given in the form of shots intermuscular shots that must be administered at home once every two weeks and are injected into the thigh muscle. Although the idea of having to endure shots on a regular basis would frighten most people, Dunlap said that they are virtually painless and the results have been worth the small amount of pain he has experienced. He has begun to see the physical changes he hoped for. His body has filled out and he has experienced a 20-pound muscle increase. Dunlap now has a deeper voice and has developed body and facial hair. Dunlap proudly said, “I pass as a male now almost 95 percent of the time now.” Although he has made significant progress, Dunlap’s transition is not yet complete. Dunlap will continue taking testosterone for the rest of his life. He does not intend to have surgery to create male genitalia because the current options are very expensive and not functional. He does however plan to have surgery to remove his feminine chest but since this procedure is not covered by insurance, he must postpone this step in his transition until he is able to pay for the medical expenses. He also would like to have his name and gender marker changed, which would change his gender on public records from female to male and give him the opportunity to be legally recognized as a man.

Dunlap is now living his life in a new town as a man. When he goes out in public, people refer to him as “sir” and he is treated as a man. Through this process, he is now able to look in the mirror and see himself as the gender that he has always been on the inside.

Week 4 on T video!

Posted: October 8, 2010 in FTM
Tags: , , ,

Life Update…

Posted: January 26, 2010 in FTM
Tags: , , , , ,

So, this is going to be a little about everything. Sorry. First off, my dad has been put into a rehab hospital. I’m not sure what this means. But each day I get closer to not having him. It’s scary. But I’m fighting against all the emotion to keep going. I know that is what he would want me to do.

Bathrooms at school, well are hard to find. I don’t use the bathrooms in the Mass Comm building cause everyone knows me as Beth or Seth. It would just be to awkward. So I use the men’s bathroom on the 4th floor of the library. No one is in there. It works for me. Just so you know it’s weird being on your period and using the men’s bathroom. Just saying. The two don’t go together.

In the past week I’ve only been ma’amed once. I also started to wear my binder more. It makes me feel better about myself. Kinda lame, but at the same time it makes sense. I will admit it’s getting cold outside. And when you can nip through a double compression binder and two shirts, you’re doing something. It’s crazy.

I have added ginger to my regime of pills. It’s to help with my stomach. It also have some anti-inflammatory  effect. Which that can’t hurt me either. I’m going to look up estrogen blockers too. I haven’t been real sure about these. I have heard some many different things. I need to do a little more research on this subject. But I’m going to.

So a lot of my friends have been talking about working out and stuff. It got me to thinking. Reasons I avoid the gym. Locker rooms. No unisex locker rooms. And I’m not playing that game. Next, you can’t bind when you work out. It cuts off how deep a breath you can take. It’s a bad idea. These are all excuses. I know. It’s not helping me. It also doesn’t help that every time I do something more than the norm (I have tried really working out down to just a few minutes of Wii fit) I hurt like a mofo. Hopefully I can find something that doesn’t cause a flare. When I find it I’ll let you know.

Now I’m off to catch up on the reading I need to do for class. Homework is a beast.

Promise number one from Codependents Anonymous

1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.

Lately I’ve been getting messages and I thought I would just be completely blunt about what I want from my transition. And Name issues and pronoun issues.

First off, I have not legally done anything to change my name. But that will happen. If not over Christmas break then over next summer break. Next I am working towards taking male hormones. This has be slowed by funds. I’m a broke college student. But this will happen, I’m hoping by Christmas.

Next, I do bind my chest down. Granted I don’t do it often because I have arthritis in my sternum. So crunch my ribs is a little painful, but quite worth it. With this, I do intend to have chest surgery. I want Dr. Garramone to do it. I’ve seen his work. But he is based in Florida. The plus is he is an amazing surgeon.

Ok, so now here’s the fun question. Bottom surgery. Well I would like to do this surgery but don’t know when I will have the 50k to drop on this. But I will have a hysterectomy soon. Insurance will pay for this and not to mention it’s painful to keep it in. I’m not going to use it. I’ve come to terms with that a long time ago. I don’t want to have children that have bipolar and fibromyalgia.

Now the name thing. I’m SETH! Male pronouns. But I did get a great question. What about the past tense? I say I’ve always been Seth. I just didn’t know it until now. So he fits, even when you are talking about me in a dress or formals when I went with a boy. This is not something I’ve just started to feel. This is a lifelong thing. I just now have the guts to open up and tell everyone and myself who I am.

So I left Thursday after class to go back to Monroe. I needed the weekend to spend some time with family and friends. So I picked up my dog and drove home.

I showed up Saturday morning to setup and participate in the Choral Alumni and homecoming. Of course everyone’s main question was “what’s up with the name change?” Really? I changed it one facebook a month ago. But most people were just wondering what to call me and about the pronouns. I was kind of surprised that they actually cared enough to ask.

After spending a good two hours in the sun, I was sun burned and glad to go back inside. We later went out to eat as an alumni group. I got to set next to my best friend and a friend from high school. I haven’t really sat down and talked to her in quite a while. But it was something I needed. She is working on getting her master’s in counseling. I sat and talked to her about how great it felt to move away from the judgment that is Monroe. Also talked about my transition to her. I talked about my apprehensions of doing therapy to get my “t” letter. Amazingly after this conversation, I have decided to quit worrying about it and just do it. For some reason she put me at peace for it.

On my way home, I had to stop to go pee and let the dog out. So at rest stops, I don’t think it is wise to go into the male restroom when you’re not binding or anything. So I go into the woman’s restroom. It would have been fine except for me walking out. I have my hat flipped backwards and I’m wearing my shorts. Another woman walks in and does a double take at me and then backed up a couple of steps to look at the sign for the restroom. I really hate that. The look of death. It’s funny now, but then I didn’t think so.

Well, now I’m back to school and working hard. Medicine Update: I’m now on Buspar and weening off the Klonopin. Hopefully this will help with the anxiety. We’ll see.

Blast from the past…And TMI

Posted: September 28, 2009 in FTM
Tags: , , , , ,

Ok, I so I must say this blog has done ten times more than I could have ever imagined. A lot of it has been, friends from all walks of my life have found this blog. It has meant so much to have everyone of these people contact me and tell me how much they support me. I wish I could convey it better. Friends from me being as little as five to junior high friends to my most recent college friends have all said something to me. I support you.

With this comes a caution. When I started this blog, I wanted to put not only the emotional effects, but some very, very personal things about transition. So this post is a warning. The next topic I haven’t explain well. Genital Dysphoria. This is a huge topic in my life. So stop reading if you don’t need this advice or not interested.

For those who stuck around, here goes. This topic is very hard to write about. But the ONE THING that made me realize I was transgendered. I may dress like a guy, look like one, but this was the main thing. When it comes to sex, I have always been the male in that sense. I have never really like some one touching me down there. EVER. Seriously just thinking about someone doing that to me, gives me the grossest feeling. It’s not pleasurable. It feels like a violation. I’ve tried to like it, but nothing or no one has given me the satisfaction that I think I should feel.

Now when I do have sex with a strap-on, I look down and feel strangely complete. When I have sex with a strap-on, I actually orgasm (like whole body). Nothing is the same feeling as this. I feel like something is missing when I walk around now. (In a sense there is) It’s not gross, nor does it feels wrong. I feel like the real me. (I’m a real boy! Sorry for the Pinocchio reference)

So this brings me to a new thing. I’ve talked about binding. Next is packing (a fake penis stuffed into your pants) for me. I know this will really help me. My chest dysphoria is there, but this is a much stronger thing for me. I don’t know why but I think it’s going to give me a new confidence. Also, I going to cut the rest of my hair off.  A new video shall come soon. The lighting sucks at my apartment, so I’m going to have to break down and do it in the bathroom like everyone else.

New Binder

Posted: September 20, 2009 in FTM
Tags: , , ,

I realized I haven’t talked about the new binder I got from Underworks. I got the 988 model. I decided to get this one since I have a gut. I didn’t think it was necessary to bind my stomach. I’m finding out a lot about myself while doing this.

It is such a great feeling when I look down and don’t see boobs. I didn’t realize how bad my chest dysphoria is. Binding has to be one of the most uncomfortable things you can do. It keeps you from breathing completely. But the feeling of looking the way you feel is absolutely amazing.

For me on the other hand it is a little difficult. Since I leave with an arthiritis in my shoulders, getting into and out of the trap is hard and painful. It feels like I have to dislocate my shoulders to do this. But it’s worth it.

Now for me, I don’t wear it that often. I don’t wear it to school because I’m not out and walking around campus can be difficult when you can’t believe to capacity. Not to mention its hot. I sweat really easily (I know you wanted to know that) and spandex and nylon don’t go on easily if you are sweating. I’m waiting for the weather to cool off a little to wear it a little more often. (Not to mention the humidity. It’s been raining here for a week straight.)

On a different note, everyone keeps mentioning to me how much strength it must take to do all of this. And I guess to a point it does. As far as being afraid of what society will think of me, I gave up on that when I came out as a lesbian. Especially in the bible belt, being gay is the worst thing you can do. But when it comes to just being myself I don’t see how that is hard or takes strength. My strength comes from having wonderful family and friends. The coming out process has only been hard in the idea of just accepting myself.

This blog has been my release. I get to write out my fears and just general life information. I did this after first reading Ethan’s blog many months ago. It made it real. It gave me the hope I needed. I hope that this can gave others hope. Not just the transgendered community but everyone. I hope understanding happens and through understanding acceptance is given.

Day one at school…

Posted: August 31, 2009 in FTM
Tags: , ,

So I started school today. First time I’ve walked on campus knowing who I am. It’s a hard walk into that first class. My first class was Copyright Law. Oh yeah, it’s going to be a doozy. I’m Beth there. Seth will be harder than I thought. When half the class walks in and I know them from previous classes, there was nothing else I could do but say Beth.

Which leads me to a new journey, I’m taking. Passing more than 50%. I do this without a binder or any other things. I know it’s fifty because of the Southern hospitality problem here of opening doors. I got one cause I had to open the door for two girls. They stared at me until I did. Then I had one opened for me. That’s the stranger point of view. Now friends there are no changes. And won’t be until I start “T”. Which I really need to get the ball rolling on that.

My biggest problem is the whole you need therapy before you start T. Seeing as my mom is a therapist I’m biased. I think you go to a therapist when things become so hard you can’t handle it anymore. But I don’t see it as not handling it. I will break down and go, but dammit I will go kicking and screaming.

I got my binder!!!

Posted: August 18, 2009 in FTM
Tags: , ,

I got it in the mail yesterday. One more step. An amazing step. I can’t believe it. It was so surreal. I looked down and for the first time in my life my chest looked the way I thought it should. I’m on my way. I’m going to have to get undershirts cause that thing cuts into my underarms like crazy. But so worth the pain.

I’m writing this at 2am. I’m been having so really bad insomnia issues. I don’t know what’s up. I go to the doctor next week. We are going to see why I’m so tired but can’t sleep. I guess all this with going to school. I have a lot to tell when I go back to Murfreesboro. I have to talk to teachers and I need to see about that all important “counseling”.

I know what the true stress is. I’ll leave that alone for now on here. That’s for a more personal entry.