Failure and Success! I found Hormones!

So I just got back from the gyn doctor. I was upset cause this doctor has been nothing short of amazing when it has come to my gender identity. So I asked him if he knew of anyone in this town that would do HRT (hormone replacement therapy). Nope not in this town. Damn small town. He said try Shreveport.

Well I had found a phone number for a Dr. Saucier on one of the trans sites I go to. I figured it had to be wrong. Cause no one in the Bible belt would actually do this. So I called. Sure enough he actually does see transgender patients. Small catch is you have to have a psychiatrist refer you. But I can get that. So as soon as I can get that ball rolling.

I’m so close, but still so far away. I was about in tears when I got told no one in this little town would do it. Hopefully soon you will hear me scream when I get my T script.

GYN appt.

So I have an appointment with the frog doctor (aka gyn) on July 12th. I’m so hoping to start the ball on T and possibly a hysterectomy. At this point, something to stop me from ever having a period again. Ever.

So where I work is interesting. I do like where I work. I work at a kiosk, but the bigger place around it is not as friendly as I had thought. It amazes me when people don’t have a clue and try to make fun of you. Someone had been questioning about me (not even asking me) and surgery. I’m not having any surgery. The thing I want is hormones. But most people assume, that’s it’s like transwomen and surgery is the thing you do. Eventually yes. That’s just not the part that will make me male. Hormones will.

The thing that gets me is this guy could of totally asked me directly instead of being shady. I’m open about who I am. I’m not afraid to answer questions or tell you where you are getting it wrong. I have a public blog about my transition. I’m not afraid to share and help educate.

I have found that is what this blog does a lot. Educate people about being Trans. By educating, I have answered a lot of hard questions already. This has been one of the best projects I have taken on. Thanks for reading and not being ignorant.

It’s been a year!

I have been out a year. I can’t believe it’s been a year. It has been an emotional roller coaster. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. In finding myself, I have found so many things that have helped my life even outside of transition.

With this first year, I have really felt the need for the medical transition. I feel a lot out of body. But I know I can change it. Hopefully for the better, I can get this done.

I want to thank everyone who has been there for me. Friends, family, and anonymous readers. You have given me the strength and the courage to face the world as who I feel I am. This has been the greatest outlet for me. I hope it has given you something as it has for me.

Funny thing, I haven’t medically transition, but I have transition into a completely different lifestyle. I have changed a lot inside and out. Here is the past year in pictures.

Where I started.

When I first came out. I cut my hair off.

In Houston last summer.

Yes there is a chain saw in between my legs.

February

And the most current. No the dog’s not mine. It’s my aunts. But she’s cute.

Not Sleeping, Bipolar Takes Over

Yep I’m not sleeping. I got my meds back, but it’s going to take a couple of weeks to get my cycle back in order. Until then, insomnia reigns supreme.

I’m warning this blog is going to go around and up and down. I apologize. My thoughts are not collected. First I appreciate everyone that has sent well wishes and prayers for my father. He’s in a hospital currently. I will be going to Monroe to see him this weekend. I need to see him. This semester is five weeks in and I’m falling apart already.

Positive news. I went to T-Men meeting on Saturday. I had a good time. We talked about being “stealth” and what it actually meant and whether we would live that way or not. “Stealth” is living life completely as a male and not telling anyone you were once female. I didn’t think I would have an idea on this or not. I know for my part I can’t currently cause there is no hiding who I am. Not to mention if you know me, you know I can’t lie to save my life. So trying to keep up with the lies would be impossible.

I broke my “stealth” cover in my history class. My name in there is Seth and no one knows my birth name. That being said, I slipped on my gender. I can cover a lot of what I did in high school without gender but there are some things that are totally associated with gender. Softball being one of them. Not to mention I was proud to be a female athlete (I use the term athlete loosely) in high school. Also I’m proud to say I’ve played women’s football. Yep blows a whole cover of being male right there. But I don’t care right now.

For the most part I let people try to figure out what they want. They can ask questions and I’ll answer. I’m not ashamed of who I am. I am Seth. But right now, I’m a bit scattered. Give me some time and I’ll snap back. I hope.

Topic: Pictures on Facebook

So I’m sitting in the library waiting on my next class to start when I come across this article. It talks about a Canadian transman putting up pictures of his new chest on Facebook. An after surgery picture got his account deleted (it has been put back).

This is more of gender stereo type model. It’s ok for men to have no shirts on, but heaven forbid a transman (or some will just see a woman) show his new chest off? Right? I can’t understand this logic, but it gets you to think about boundaries and where they come from. Is it a male privilege? I’m not about to jump off into male privilege but I thought of it.

Believe me when I drop the $8k for the surgery pictures will be up and I will finally be seen how I’ve wanted to be seen since I was six years old. A man with out my shirt! But until then I applaud this man for showing it all.

Concussion and crazy

Ok so last week I fell on the ice and banged my head. I thought I was ok until Monday. Monday I was taken to the ER because I was nasueated and very dizzy. So I thought a few days rest would make me feel better. But nope. So Thursday I went into the doctor and got told it may take up to two months to get over the symptoms.

Yeah there’s that. So in this process, I ran out of my anti-depressant and to get it filled. Well, my insurance has decided it’s not going to pay for my Effexor any more. No warning. I don’t have $240 to pay every month for it. I have been on this medicine since 2006. And now I can’t. So I’m a tiny bit on the crazy side right now trying to get something to replace it. But me being bipolar and off my meds it’s a bad idea. But I’m without right now. Nothing I can do about it.

And if that wasn’t the icing on the cake, my father is in a rehab hospital and I’m sure on his way to a medical hospital. Sorry for this being short but I can’t stare at computer for too long. It makes my head hurt. So homework and a lot of other things are out. Prayers are welcome at this point. Not much else I can do.

Seriously? 2nd Pregnant Man!

This amazes me. I’m transgendered and can not wrap my own head around this. Pregnant Man and his transgendered husband are expecting. Ok so I had to put my 2 cents in on this. Cause from my own personal view I can not imagine doing this. I have such a problem with being female I can not begin to think I would do this. EVER. I’m planning to have my stuff yanked out. Hopefully in May!

It brings me to a question. How can you be pregnant and still be male? I’m all about gender being fluid. But to me pregnancy on the complete feminine end of that spectrum. To me it’s a maternal thing. I guess I can’t understand this.

To me, this is good and bad for the community. It brings an awareness to the community, but not all press is good press. This man and family just like the last pregnant man will face a lot of ridicule. I will see how the world reacts to it.

Quick Edit: I do want a family. Don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to give birth to one. I’m not saying men don’t want families. I just don’t think I could ever have one (come out of me)!

Adoption is totally what I was planning. Especially if I get my hysto done this year.

Hospital fun…

Me waiting on xray!

Tuesday I went out to ride horses with my mom. Well, a set of circumstances caused me to have to jump off the saddle and fall on to the very hard ground. My right butt cheek and my head took most of the hit. Since I’ve had other concussions, I decided I needed to have it checked out. So my mom took me to the ER.

We arrive and I have to give them my birth name. No problem I thought. So once I got back to my room, the nurse comes in and looks at me and says, “Grace?” Yeah that’s me. The picture shows why the questions. I don’t look like a 24yo female named Grace. Then the doctor comes in and asks so questions and says we’re going to do some xrays. Not surprised. But they made me do a pregnancy test. Really I know they have to do it, but I really can say I’m not pregnant. It made my xrays take an extra hour to get done to be sure I was not pregnant.

After the fifth person questioning if I was indeed Grace, my mom looked at me and said, “wow we really need to get your name changed”.  Yep it really does. So I think my mom is finally coming around. There is hope. At least for now.

Start over…

So tonight I hung out with some friends. And the topic of dating came up. It got me to thinking. I have to learn all over this process and look for (yes non crazy ones) but “straight” girls. After six years of telling myself that I don’t need to date these ladies, I’m having to go back and learn to do that very thing.

After looking at my past relationships, I noticed some trends that I have always needed to get away from. But tonight it really hit me like a ton of bricks, I’m so looking in the wrong place for someone. Quite possibly it’s a lot of wrong timing. So has been the story of my life.

Oh, I have an appointment with the therapist on Friday. It got moved back. We’ll see what happens. And I have a doctor’s appointment later this morning for all this stomach mess. Wish me luck.

Pause Button

That’s where I am right now. On pause. It sucks, but school is kicking me into being nothing more than a student. A non-gendered student. It feels that away right now. I answer to 2 different names and don’t know when I can make that next step.

First off, meds have changed. Savella is no more and Effexor is back on. The Savella did wonders for my pain but not for my mental health. So it bit the dust. I should do better now. I was getting to be a big bitch. No more Bitchy Beth and back to Sane Seth.

I am very excited to see that a new FTM magazine has found it’s way into publication. It’s not for younger eyes! The link here takes you to Original Plumbing. I will be driving up to Nashville to get. A local bookstore here actually has copies.

But for the most part this is where I sit. In between two stages of life. Trying to move it forward. It’s slowly stagnating. I know it will get there. I’m planning on legally changing my name over Christmas break. Sorry this is short but it’s that kinda update!